Mom, Where are my football socks?

“Mom, where are my football socks?”

This is what greeted me this morning, with two minutes to go before we left for school. It is a question with which many parents are familiar.   From my daughter’s perspective, I was somehow meant to magically know the answer and solve.

I had a number of possible responses, and here are the ones that raced through my head as she came running down the stairs to me;

“I don’t know” (painfully pedantic response to the question asked and accurate)

“I’ll look for them for you” (the jump in and fix the problem I can sort these things quicker myself)

“Who is responsible for your socks?” (emotionally loaded why are you asking me it is your responsibility)

“What do you mean you didn’t get them sorted last night – how many times do I have to tell you to get ready the night before? (the getting mad option while pointing out the painfully obvious)

The response I gave was a painfully calm “I haven’t seen them”

My daughter who is 12 responded with “I know I should have got them last night, I’m sorry but will you check Luke’s (her brother) room in case they got mixed up”

We did not find her socks and she has to wear non-club socks for her match this evening.

The dynamics of the conversation with my daughter and the potential for her to learn through the process was rich in possibilities. I had lots of choices that I could make as a parent but as my children have gotten older I have learned that they learn more when I stay calm and let them recognise for themselves what needs to happen.

As we drove to school without the socks, I asked her if she understood why I was cross (if very quiet). She did and she knows that I will not jump in and sort the problem when it is something that she is quite capable of looking after for herself.

Having said that, did I come home and wonder where those socks were and give serious consideration to tearing the house apart to find them? Yes, but I didn’t instead I made a cup of tea and got down to work. I know that not jumping in is best in the long term for my daughter and so I just let if be.

As parents we all need to be mindful of the longer term impact of our actions and the potential to be still looking for their socks when they are in the 20’s!

 

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

 

 

Why childhood assessments and gradings are good?

Over the past 10 years or so my children have done music exams, speech and drama exams, tae-kwan-do gradings, ballet exams.  My approach has always been to explain these exams as an opportunity to see who they are doing and also to give them the opportunity to make solid the relationship in their head between effort and success.

Have I ever worried about the actual marks they go?  No.  However have I been delighted when they have done well?  Yes.

The more important element is that I have had the opportunity to observe my children as they have gone through these processes.  I have seen them get anxious, and not get anxious, I have seen them put in constant practice and have a bad day and struggle.  I have seen them do things at the last minute and succeed.  But overall they have achieved good life learning in the process.

So, what have they learned? They have learned:

1) when they have the work put in they stress less

2) they recognise butterflies in the tummy as a signal that will help them to perform well – they need some adrenaline to perform at their best

3) they have learned to use visualisation if there are too many butterflies

4) they have learned that a weak result is something that they learn from

5) they have learned  that a good result is an encouragement to keep going

6) they have learned to speak up when the fun and enjoyment is no longer happening for them and know that I will listen

There can be a fine line as a parent between creating the opportunity for and giving encouragement  to our children to succeed and pushing, coaxing and cajoling them into action.  It is true that for some  activities there is an initial hump to get over before it becomes fun (I’m thinking of lots of skills based activities).

And so my own approach as always been to commit to one full term and give things a real go before letting them stop.   If we allow them to stoop after one or two classes and we do this consistently then we are potentially teaching them that not only is it ok to give up but that everything will come easy – not quite realistic.

On  a very serious note there is research evidence to support the argument that those children who do exams and gradings through their childhood perform better at state and university exams.   The logic would seem to be that they learn how to do exams and how to perform in exam conditions.

As my son will be completing secondary school in 14 months I will keep you posted but for now I can see that he is very clear about the relationship between his work and his goals and I am sitting here hoping that this knowledge will indeed continue for the  months ahead.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

 

 

 

 

First communion and confirmation

For those parents who are raising their children within a religious ethos there are a number of milestones that are significant in their journey to adulthood.   My own familiarity is with Communion and Confirmation within the Catholic ethos.  However this article is not about the religious element of these days but rather on the “parenting” piece.  More specifically my experiences are about Communion and Confirmation in Ireland.

There is no denying that these events represent major developmental milestones for many children in Ireland.   Unlike, the first tooth, or starting to walk, these particular milestones are very public.  As a result parents can feel a little pressured to push the boat out to prove to the world that they are doing a good job as parents.

Some may feel that they have to spend on clothes not only for the child but also for the whole family.  They want to show that they can indeed be well turned out.

Others may feel pressured to have a large extended family event with caterers, and entertainment for the children – in part because other brothers or sisters did it for their family

Others who may just want to show off and may feel that a big splash is how they demonstrate to their child that they truly love them

The net effect of these attitude and beliefs is that they can lead to the parents feeling under a lot of pressure to design the best celebration for the little darling.

Is any of this necessary? I don’t actually think so.

There is no denying that they child will be excited, and most will enjoy being the centre of attention.  As parents we have a responsibility to support that excitement but also to try to ensure that they do not get overwhelmed by it so that they can fully enjoy and appreciate their big day.  If we have a child who has a tendency to be overwhelmed or get over excited then we need to be particularly careful how we plan their so that they as the guest of honour really enjoy their day.

However, they are more fundamentally significant days in the child’s life and so it is important to consider what it is that they want from the day?

I do remember asking my children what they wanted from their days.   They did not actually know and there was a lot of telling me what others were doing to see if we might do the same.   I very quickly realised that I did needed to manage their expectations as to what is realistic.  The reality is that if you offer them the sun moon and stars they will want the sun moon and stars.  When we as the parents raise the possibility that every extravagance will be catered for, we can hardly be surprise that they then ask for them.

However over the past number of years, I have often been surprised when I have heard what some children actually asked for – Some just wanted to go bowling with their parents, brothers and sister, some may want a meal, bouncing castles and friends etc.  What the child actually wants can often be a lot simpler than the extravagances of us the parents.

I have come to the conclusion that as parents we need to start with the budget that we have for the occasion and work within that.  The child will see us doing the very best that we can for them and they will be happy.

If, as the parent you find yourself telling people that you have to have 30 or so extended family and that you will need to feed them all, consider the language that you are using.   When you use language that implies no choice and no control then you will be adding to your feelings of stress. If you have made the decision to have this type of event then you will do your stress levels a big favour if you keep your language focused on the choice that you have made, about being positive about what you are doing.

And remember, accept help when it is offered,  Other mums understand the work involved and when they offer to make a cake, a dessert, a salad then accept with good grace and in doing so you will reduce your own stress levels.

A third key element is to do as much forward planning as you can and where you can do things in advance then do so rather than having yourself flustered in the kitchen while everyone else is enjoying themselves.

 

Remember this is a milestone event not only for your child but for you as the adult as well.  I have known many parents and I include myself among them who have shed a little tear on the big day.   Take the time to be gentle on yourself and acknowledge how far you have come as a parent and how far your child has come in their life journey.

 

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland