Au pair to the rescue

By definition ‘Au pair‘ is an unmarried young adult aged 18 to 30 years, who has no children and travels to a foreign country for a defined period of time to live with a host family The au pair is considered as a full member of the family during the entire stay. As such, he or she helps the family with childcare and can be asked to assume some light housework. In return, the host family provides free board and lodging, as well as pocket money.

When I was in my early twenties I took a sabbatical from college and decided to become Au Pair. I spent a year in Boston, Ma.

I always loved kids and this was the cheapest and easiest way to go to see States and get some pocket money.

Looking back this year gave me so much experience, build a very strong friendship and defined me for future. I got a lovely host family with two little sweet kids (boy 2.5 years old and girl just over 3 months). Crazy enough it was a great preparation as my children are 15.5 months apart 🙂

I went with the agency who made sure everything is safe and legal. They organized J1 Visa. Within few months my trip was ready. I had my profile up, (back then everything was on paper, no online profiles) and host family contacted me and just after my college year was up I was planning to go on the plane.

My year passed very quickly. I had ups and downs with my host family. What I’ve noticed was that children were never an issue, the tension was (if there was any) between my host parents and myself.

That’s why I created 5 guidlines for Au-pairs and host parents.

1. Know your abilities and expectations.

As an au-pair please have some experience, you are in charge of someone’s children. If you decided to take care of an infant know how to change a diaper, how to support the baby’s head etc. Be aware of what you can do and what you are comfortable with. Don’t be ashamed to ask for tips, help. Ask if your host family sponsor first aid course. (Mine sponsored CPR course for me).

As a host-parents tell your expectations upfront. Be clear what you want au pair to be doing. Hoovering and washing windows is not light housework. Usually au pair is supposed to clean after herself and the children. Au-pair is there to take care of your children, that’s her main job. (I was doing my own and kids laundry, the housekeeper cleaned entire house once a week, I cleaned after myself and kids only.)

2. Stick to the rules

As an au-pair if you have a curfew (due to being underage) respect it, remember that your host family is responsible for you in the same way as you are responsible for their children. You are on the job, so you can’t be too tired, sleepy or hangover.

As a host-parents don’t overwork her. Au-pair can only work up to 45 hours, she is supposed to take time off and enjoy herself. If you want her to baby-sit in the evenings, have clear understanding how much she is getting per hour. She is there to take care of the kids but also to study and explore.

3. Be realistic.

Host parents are not your friends. They are your hosts and your employers. Be respectful and forgiving (every one makes a genuine mistake). Don’t expect respect if you are not respectful. Host parents are nice to you but they will pay attention to what you are doing, if you are crossing certain lines (eg: coming home drunk etc) consider the consequences of your behaviour (including termination of the contract and being sent home)

Au pair is not your child to discipline. She is here to help you in raising your kids. Don’t expect her to be Mary Poppins or a child psychologist who can deal with any child-related issue. Understand the circumstances she in (far away from home, maybe missing her friends), talk to her, she has entire culture and habits and she is happy to tell you about it. At the same time make sure she is respecting the rules you all set out and you know that your children are safe with her.

4. Listen

For this given year au pair will know your child better than you. (if you are not prepared for this please don’t have au-pair, hire a nanny for few hours a day instead). She will spend majority of your child’r day and she will know what your child knows. Dob’t be ashamed to take her kind advice on board, she really is trying hard to be helpful.

Host-parents are the real parents and they know their children best, however if you see that something is not working (eg: nap time, certain food types etc) you can suggest a new solution to them. Don’t be offended if they don’t change anything. As parents they may have a reason to do things in a given way.

5. Enjoy

You are in a new country, enjoy and explore. Meet new people, go around, this really can be the best year of your life. You have house and food taken care of, you have pocket money the world is your oyster.

Let her do her own thing, but also include her in your traditions. She really is missing her family and friends (especially over holiday period), make sure she feels included and wanted. Respect her needs and talk to her, she may tell you something really cool about her own country and traditions.

Have you ever had an au-pair? Have you considered option like this?

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

I love you, but….

As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.

Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.

So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?

We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.

Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents.  However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible.  I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.

I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?

You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.

Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.

I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness.  Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.

I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.

Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.