As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.
Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.
So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?
We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.
Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents. However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible. I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.
I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?
You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.
Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.
I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness. Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.
I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.
Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂
Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.
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