A life plan

Remember as kids we were dreaming to be just like our parents?!
Remember growing up and thinking that’s not the life I want to have?
Remember parents telling you what path to choose, which college degree to go for, to follow the PLAN?

We all heard of the plan. Some of us more then others, however we all have been told (at one point in our lives) what should we do with our life.

The Plan consists of graduating high school, choosing good college, getting a good degree (which helps us to get a good job, like being a lawyer, a doctor or an accountant etc), then marry, get a job, buy a house, have children and go to the same type of the job for the rest of our lives.

What happens when we don’t follow the plan?

Take me for example, I graduated University with my MA in English, my dream was to become a translator. I wanted to translate books, I could imagine myself sitting in front of the computer, with lots of dictionaries and just read and translate. The problem came up when I applied for a job after my graduation. I’ve heard I have no experience, but when I was in college I couldn’t get a job because I didn’t have my degree yet. So it was a bit of a close circle. So very quickly I decided that there is no point chasing the job which may not happen at all. I’ve decided to go to Ireland to be an Au-pair for few months (once again). I wanted to get away and clear my head and decide what should I do. Because of the host family situation I was encouraged to seek other form of employment. I ended up in a call-centre, started at the very bottom and work my way up to being a supervisor and a trainer. In the meantime I got my Post-Grad management diploma. Got married and when everyone in my family thought I am back on track with my plan. We decided to move to Malta. We had dream of starting our own business in a nice warm place. Some of our friends were supportive, however most of them thought that we were crazy. After 2 years we came back to Ireland with our first born, started our second business and completing our dreams and longings.

There is no person in our family who would actually understand why we decided to follow our dreams rather then the plan. We both saw our parents working so their children have better life, no having a life of their own and making a lot of sacrifices for their own offspring. Putting their dreams aside because you need to pay of mortgage and go on family vacation.

Don’t get me wrong if there is someone who is happy to follow the plan and put aside their dreams it is fine by me, However I believe people like us who don’t follow the plan should be encouraged to follow their dreams.

I’ve learned that we have our struggles, but working on something together, creating a business together, make our bond even stronger and because of that we have much more time for our kids and our children have happy, fulfilled parents. We are raising happy, positive children so one day they decide to chose direction which is good for them and not feeling pressured about following the plan. They way I see it, it is their lives and they need to experience the life to its fullest and as parents we can’t force them what to do and which direction to follow.

 

What is your opinion on the subject? Would you want your child to follow the PLAN?

 

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

 

Precious moments

It was my conscious decision to be a stay-at-home Mum. We were aware that money can be tight at times, however we wanted to spend the most essential years being around kids.

I am not judging other people decisions. This is simply my approach and experience.

When Chloe was born, she became my entire universe. I had to admit I was a mother hen. At the same time, I made sure my husband doesn’t feel abandoned. Since her birth he was the one bathing her, singing and reading to her. As most parents say our world has change completely. We had this tiny creature fully depended on us. At the same time, I was thinking that I don’t want to put he in any daycare, creche as I want to see every milestones, I want to know every bump and scar. No one knows my child as well as me. I know her character, what she likes and dislikes, her favourite toy at the time and what she really needs at given time.

When our son was born, I had to leave her for few days. As much as I was excited about our new bundle of joy I was also thinking about my almost 16 month old daughter without me. And guess what? She was perfectly happy with her Dad.

After coming home I treasured every moment with my 2 kids. At the same time I realised that it is ok, to leave them for few hours with their Dad and do something for myself.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have the best of both. Spending time with my children and having flexible working hours.

I am still responsible for their development, their knowledge. It is my decision what they watch, read, play with. I am more easy going now knowing that soon they will go out to the world. I am so much more confident that they will succeed in life, not because I am a stay-at-home Mum, but because I believe I am building their self-esteem by letting them be who they are. Yes, I do get tired, frustrated and annoyed, but we are learning to overcome those obstacles and we become more tolerant about each other needs.

Being at home with my kids helped me to realise what is really important and what I want for my family and for my kids. No matter what the future brings I know that I gave my children (in my opinion) the best of their early years…my undivided attention and the importance of being together.

P/S. The picture shows my family during our beach walk 🙂

 

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

I love you, but….

As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.

Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.

So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?

We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.

Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents.  However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible.  I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.

I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?

You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.

Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.

I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness.  Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.

I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.

Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

The importance of a routine

I always have been a big fan of ‘Desperate Housewives’. There is this one scene where Mary Alice explains Bree’s weekly routine. It got me thinking that we all live within daily/weekly routines. I realised that no matter what we do we fall into some sort of the routine. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay-at-home parent or professional parent, we have our daily routine regardless.

Routines are important as they show us what is coming next (even though we don’t like doing certain things). The predictability of the day is essential, that’s why as adults, if something unexpected happens, we panic, get nervous or frustrated. We understand life and how it works.

However how our children fit into this? Imagine you are a newborn. For 9 months you get used to floating in your Mom’s belly, used to all gurgling, blood pumping, gases etc, it’s warm and wet. Suddenly you are being taken out, it’s cold, bright and the sound are different. What you do? You cry, as this is all you can do. For 9 months as a baby you had routine, this routine was in sync with your Mom’s. Well when she rested you decided to do all the stretching, somersaults etc. Believe it or not that was your routine, when your Mom was eating, you also got food, you started to develop tastes and preferences. You were familiar with certain smells, sounds and voices. Now, you are in this new environment and nothing is the same. You need to eat differently, you are put into water (which is very comforting, however doesn’t last long). You think that the world you are in is big and scary.

Imagine if your child feels like that?! Now what can we do to help children to adapt? By creating routines. It is much easier that everyone thinks.

You have a newborn, the sleeping pattern are all over the place. Newborns do not distinguish between day and night. We can start by bathing the baby at the same time. Then we massage them, feed them, cuddles and off to bed. Believe it or not, my daughter had her routines set within 2 months. She had two proper naps during the day and in the evening we had the same routine, bath, massage, while I was nursing her my husband was reading stories and usually she fall asleep while nursing.

Remember that creating a routine maybe a lengthy process as each child is different and has different needs, my son never sleeps while nursing, he needs to be cuddled and rocked before bed. So do not give up, you will get there.

Once you master sleeping patterns everything else falls into place. A rested parent is a happy parent right? When your child has proper nap time automatically you create a feeding routine. A 6 month old baby should be either nursed on demand or have between 3-5 bottles a day, depending on his solids intake.

My both children (25 months and almost 10 months) have 5 meals a day. 3 big ones (breakfast, lunch, dinner) and 2 snacks. The little one is also nursed on demand, while my daughter has access to water throughout a day.

I must admit that both my children are clock children. They both know what is coming next. They know that after breakfast we have time to play, have playdates with friends or toddler groups, my daughter herself comes and ask for ‘am am’ when it’s time for her snack. The same goes for her nap time and bed time in the evenings.

Routines also make children feel safe and this is very important. I’ve noticed this with my daughter that when she knew what was coming it was much easier to handle her. She knows that after the snack she has a little time to play and we are off to bed for nap. The predictability makes their lives easier, they feel safe and secure, as they know what is coming.

My husband and I worked hard to create proper routines for our children (we even got there with our son who was colicky and creating any routine for him was a nightmare). Now we can enjoy a little time for us during the day when the kids have their nap/quiet time.

Tell us if you have routine and does it work for you.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

Entertaining the kids in a bad weather

As I write this blog there is a Red weather warning and so it is likely that there will be many parents who will be staying indoors.  Fortunately the older ones are at school and so they will not need to be entertained today.

Now there is an interesting choice of words?  Are we our children’s entertainer?  Personally I think not.  I am a firm believer that when we set ourselves up as their “entertainer” we end up in a no-win scenario with our children constantly looking for more and more “interesting” things to be entertained with.

On the other hand there is a day to fill and children like our attention, like to be doing things, and love to have fun.  So where to start?

My first starting point to myself is to remember that while they may sit in front of the TV for ages, their ability to actively concentrate on an activity changes with age and is generally considered to be 3-5 minutes per year.

Now this does not mean that we will spend 15 minutes setting up painting and then only get 10 minutes of actual painting.  Rather it means that when our child is painting they will still get distracted, want a chat, walk away and then come back, start a different picture etc.  We can then take their ability to focus to create a longer painting session.

My own favourite strategies were to start by getting them to help me put the newspapers on the floor (yes we always painted on the floor until they were about 5) then

Paint with 1 paint brush

Paint with 2 brushes – one in each hand

Cut shapes in potatoes, paint the potato and let them make potato shapes

Then paint with their hands

And finally their feet

We then did the first piece of hanging the paintings and tidying things away

Followed by a much needed bath

As you can imagine, lots of laughter, fun but excluding the bath time I never expected to get more than about 45 minutes from the activity and the time spent was directed by them rather than me and on some occasions we actually got nearly 2 hours.

Another dimension of engaging with children on wet days is that they want to have you the parent with them.   Now as the parent we all appreciate having a little time out when we mind ourselves rather than the child and the TV/Computer is an easy option.  My own view is that it has its place and I have definitely used it myself when I wanted to have a quiet cup of coffee or a grown-up conversation with a friend.

Having said that the sorts of things I have done with my children on wet days have included

Cooking – buns and cakes absolutely but also letting them hold carrots, chop celery, cucumber etc., while I prep dinner

Stories – sitting with them and engaging with them while they read, or I read

Twister – I had hours of fun once my children were about 4/5 and knew their left from their right and their colours

Wii– mainly just for dancing / but also singing when they were older and this does foster them being active rather than sitting

Hide-and-seek and blind-man-bluff – yes there were bumps into furniture and a few broken ornaments but the fun was worth it

Board games – this is very dependent on acknowledging where the children were at and that they were able for the games and found them fun rather than challenging

Water play – a basin of water on the floor with some plastic egg cups, and small plastic containers were always a winner.  I have some great photos of my son standing in the basin, in wet clothes laughing his head off.  A bath for fun rather than cleaning is good too.

And I nearly forgot – they might actually like to spend time playing with their toys.   I would often start with a “let’s see if there are any toys that you have outgrown that we can get rid of”.  It was always an opportunity for them to find a toy that they had not played with in a while. They are quite capable of entertaining themselves too and it is good for them to learn how to keep themselves entertained.

On wet days I have always found it useful to stick to routines in terms of eating, but to clearly let the child know what to expect in terms of activities and once they were promised, they were delivered even if the weather brightened up.

Getting bored is not a problem and we gift them a great skill if we are able to teach them how to recognise that they are bored and can by their own actions get themselves out of that state.   Rainy days can be great fun and a great opportunity to support the creative development of our children.

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland 

The beautiful brain

I was always fascinated with medicine, neuroscience in particular. I was always thinking how something which weighs on average 1.5 kg (adult brain) can be so amazing, incredible and do so much.

Then I had kids. I get to see on daily basis how their little brain works and functions.

According to University of Denver, Morgridge College of Education, Marsico Institute for Early Learning and Development ‘The period between 0-3 years is the fastest rate of brain development across the entire human life span’. We can observe this on daily basis when a child explores everything, every little thing is fascinating and interesting. Everyone heard the expression that ‘a Child’s brain is like a sponge’, it really does take in everything. They are born talented and fearless, they can achieve everything and anything they want.

My children are being brought up in a multi-language environment (3 languages to be precise). My 2 year old can easily express herself in all 3 language depends on whom she is speaking with. The study also says that ‘All humans are born with ability to learn any language’. In the early stage of development the learning process is natural and easy for them. I observe my daughter and see hoe easy it is to her to say what she wants in all 3 languages. The study also proved that ‘ Learning more than 1 language improves cognitive development’.

In their studies they also found out that ‘Parents who frequently talk to their babies, increase children’s vocabulary by 300 words by the age of 2’. So if you read, talk and play with your child from the birth they will be able to communicate with you easier and (quite possibly) faster. We have such a huge selection of beautiful kids stories to read, so many stories to tell them, why not start now? I have 2 favourite times of the day. One when my older daughter is napping and I get my 9 month old only to myself, I talk to him, read to him and see how much he loves ‘ME time’ with Mommy. The other time is when my daughter is in her pajamas lying on our bed and we read to her her favourite fairy tales and she cuddles with us and repeat as much as she can. Reading also helps ‘to stimulate brain development by 50% of infants and toddlers’ if parents read to them routinely.

I love being at home with my babies. I always instinctively knew that’s the best for me and my children. The research proved my approach ‘A strong parent-child bond in early childhood prepares children to better handle stress throughout life’. Each parent, whether they work inside or outside home can create a strong bond with the children, it takes commitment and time (cleaning, ironing, washing can wait). When the child feels secure and loved he will grow up to be a strong, independent and confident person.

Just as a conclusion to my brain talk today I will quote one more fact from the research.

‘By the time they are 3, children’s brains have formed 1000 trillion connections between neurons.’

Now let’s keep remembering that we are surrounded by little geniuses 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.