Over the past 10 years or so my children have done music exams, speech and drama exams, tae-kwan-do gradings, ballet exams. My approach has always been to explain these exams as an opportunity to see who they are doing and also to give them the opportunity to make solid the relationship in their head between effort and success.
Have I ever worried about the actual marks they go? No. However have I been delighted when they have done well? Yes.
The more important element is that I have had the opportunity to observe my children as they have gone through these processes. I have seen them get anxious, and not get anxious, I have seen them put in constant practice and have a bad day and struggle. I have seen them do things at the last minute and succeed. But overall they have achieved good life learning in the process.
So, what have they learned? They have learned:
1) when they have the work put in they stress less
2) they recognise butterflies in the tummy as a signal that will help them to perform well – they need some adrenaline to perform at their best
3) they have learned to use visualisation if there are too many butterflies
4) they have learned that a weak result is something that they learn from
5) they have learned that a good result is an encouragement to keep going
6) they have learned to speak up when the fun and enjoyment is no longer happening for them and know that I will listen
There can be a fine line as a parent between creating the opportunity for and giving encouragement to our children to succeed and pushing, coaxing and cajoling them into action. It is true that for some activities there is an initial hump to get over before it becomes fun (I’m thinking of lots of skills based activities).
And so my own approach as always been to commit to one full term and give things a real go before letting them stop. If we allow them to stoop after one or two classes and we do this consistently then we are potentially teaching them that not only is it ok to give up but that everything will come easy – not quite realistic.
On a very serious note there is research evidence to support the argument that those children who do exams and gradings through their childhood perform better at state and university exams. The logic would seem to be that they learn how to do exams and how to perform in exam conditions.
As my son will be completing secondary school in 14 months I will keep you posted but for now I can see that he is very clear about the relationship between his work and his goals and I am sitting here hoping that this knowledge will indeed continue for the months ahead.
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Mary Corbett is a founder member of Parenting Club, author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.
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