I should get my child play sport but……..

Earlier this week I was with some business colleagues sharing lunch and the conversation turned to our children and their love of technology over sports and exercise.  The dilemma which one of the dads is currently facing has stayed with me and is what I would like to explore today.

Here is a summary of his challenge.  John is a busy business man who is out all day meeting clients and engaging with people all of the time.  As an adult he likes nothing better than to come home and zone out with his Xbox.

Now his 5 year old likes nothing better than to also sit at the Xbox and play games alongside his dad and also on his own.

John’s dilemma is that he has read the parenting books and surfed the internet and he knows that it would be really beneficial to have his son out playing sports and mixing with other children.  However the reality is that at the end of a busy work day getting back in the car to drive his child to training, to matches and the waiting around that is entails feels more like punishment than enjoyable bonding time with his son.  Plus the dad is not really that interested in sport.

One of the other parents pointed out that they got their son involved in beaver/cubs/scouts and found it brilliant for encouraging their son to be active, outdoors ad mixing with other children outside of school.  It also wasn’t football!  John quietly commented that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in the great outdoors without his technology himself.

So what to do?

My own experience with my son has taught me that our children can become passionate about a sport even if we as the parents do not have the same interest.  However from the very beginning I chose to speak very positively about the benefits of sport, occasionally twinged with regret for the opportunities that I did not have at his age.

I also found a way to make the commute manageable and fun.  As far as possible I use car drives for those one-to- one bonding chats and really hearing what is going on in my child’s head.  Equally importantly I have found ways to make those training sessions work for me, I have had client calls, read books and wrote during those hours in the car or the nearest coffee shop.    By making the time work for me I found that I became much more positive about it.

I have also learned that not all children are happy to do team sports, some do not like sport at all and we need to be very mindful of the potential damage that we will do if we force a sports agenda.  That is not to say that we leave them in front of the TV all the time but rather that we find a way to get sufficient activity into their lives so that they are learning healthy patterns.

I have also found that it helps to be very clear as the parent what my goal is at any stage for each of my children.  They have varied over the years and have included: being healthy, mixing well with other children, learning to deal with different adult relationships, developing their own interest outside of me as parent, learning how different patterns and behaviours affect how they feel.

John only has a dilemma because of his love for his son.  His son clearly adores his dad and wants to be like him and so of course he wants to play his Xbox too.

John’s mind-set around exercise and the language that he uses with his child matter. For any child in the 4-8 age bracket parents are the hero and their actions and words have a huge influence on the child.  We know as adults and parents that our children are more likely to follow our actions that our words.   We know too that if we like and are interested in the activities that they become involved in it will be reflected in our language and our attitude.

And finally, we as adults can choose our mind-set.  If we do not currently have an positive health and exercise attitude we can look at ourselves first before we try to teach our children.

 

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland 

Entertaining the kids in a bad weather

As I write this blog there is a Red weather warning and so it is likely that there will be many parents who will be staying indoors.  Fortunately the older ones are at school and so they will not need to be entertained today.

Now there is an interesting choice of words?  Are we our children’s entertainer?  Personally I think not.  I am a firm believer that when we set ourselves up as their “entertainer” we end up in a no-win scenario with our children constantly looking for more and more “interesting” things to be entertained with.

On the other hand there is a day to fill and children like our attention, like to be doing things, and love to have fun.  So where to start?

My first starting point to myself is to remember that while they may sit in front of the TV for ages, their ability to actively concentrate on an activity changes with age and is generally considered to be 3-5 minutes per year.

Now this does not mean that we will spend 15 minutes setting up painting and then only get 10 minutes of actual painting.  Rather it means that when our child is painting they will still get distracted, want a chat, walk away and then come back, start a different picture etc.  We can then take their ability to focus to create a longer painting session.

My own favourite strategies were to start by getting them to help me put the newspapers on the floor (yes we always painted on the floor until they were about 5) then

Paint with 1 paint brush

Paint with 2 brushes – one in each hand

Cut shapes in potatoes, paint the potato and let them make potato shapes

Then paint with their hands

And finally their feet

We then did the first piece of hanging the paintings and tidying things away

Followed by a much needed bath

As you can imagine, lots of laughter, fun but excluding the bath time I never expected to get more than about 45 minutes from the activity and the time spent was directed by them rather than me and on some occasions we actually got nearly 2 hours.

Another dimension of engaging with children on wet days is that they want to have you the parent with them.   Now as the parent we all appreciate having a little time out when we mind ourselves rather than the child and the TV/Computer is an easy option.  My own view is that it has its place and I have definitely used it myself when I wanted to have a quiet cup of coffee or a grown-up conversation with a friend.

Having said that the sorts of things I have done with my children on wet days have included

Cooking – buns and cakes absolutely but also letting them hold carrots, chop celery, cucumber etc., while I prep dinner

Stories – sitting with them and engaging with them while they read, or I read

Twister – I had hours of fun once my children were about 4/5 and knew their left from their right and their colours

Wii– mainly just for dancing / but also singing when they were older and this does foster them being active rather than sitting

Hide-and-seek and blind-man-bluff – yes there were bumps into furniture and a few broken ornaments but the fun was worth it

Board games – this is very dependent on acknowledging where the children were at and that they were able for the games and found them fun rather than challenging

Water play – a basin of water on the floor with some plastic egg cups, and small plastic containers were always a winner.  I have some great photos of my son standing in the basin, in wet clothes laughing his head off.  A bath for fun rather than cleaning is good too.

And I nearly forgot – they might actually like to spend time playing with their toys.   I would often start with a “let’s see if there are any toys that you have outgrown that we can get rid of”.  It was always an opportunity for them to find a toy that they had not played with in a while. They are quite capable of entertaining themselves too and it is good for them to learn how to keep themselves entertained.

On wet days I have always found it useful to stick to routines in terms of eating, but to clearly let the child know what to expect in terms of activities and once they were promised, they were delivered even if the weather brightened up.

Getting bored is not a problem and we gift them a great skill if we are able to teach them how to recognise that they are bored and can by their own actions get themselves out of that state.   Rainy days can be great fun and a great opportunity to support the creative development of our children.

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland