For those parents who are raising their children within a religious ethos there are a number of milestones that are significant in their journey to adulthood. My own familiarity is with Communion and Confirmation within the Catholic ethos. However this article is not about the religious element of these days but rather on the “parenting” piece. More specifically my experiences are about Communion and Confirmation in Ireland.
There is no denying that these events represent major developmental milestones for many children in Ireland. Unlike, the first tooth, or starting to walk, these particular milestones are very public. As a result parents can feel a little pressured to push the boat out to prove to the world that they are doing a good job as parents.
Some may feel that they have to spend on clothes not only for the child but also for the whole family. They want to show that they can indeed be well turned out.
Others may feel pressured to have a large extended family event with caterers, and entertainment for the children – in part because other brothers or sisters did it for their family
Others who may just want to show off and may feel that a big splash is how they demonstrate to their child that they truly love them
The net effect of these attitude and beliefs is that they can lead to the parents feeling under a lot of pressure to design the best celebration for the little darling.
Is any of this necessary? I don’t actually think so.
There is no denying that they child will be excited, and most will enjoy being the centre of attention. As parents we have a responsibility to support that excitement but also to try to ensure that they do not get overwhelmed by it so that they can fully enjoy and appreciate their big day. If we have a child who has a tendency to be overwhelmed or get over excited then we need to be particularly careful how we plan their so that they as the guest of honour really enjoy their day.
However, they are more fundamentally significant days in the child’s life and so it is important to consider what it is that they want from the day?
I do remember asking my children what they wanted from their days. They did not actually know and there was a lot of telling me what others were doing to see if we might do the same. I very quickly realised that I did needed to manage their expectations as to what is realistic. The reality is that if you offer them the sun moon and stars they will want the sun moon and stars. When we as the parents raise the possibility that every extravagance will be catered for, we can hardly be surprise that they then ask for them.
However over the past number of years, I have often been surprised when I have heard what some children actually asked for – Some just wanted to go bowling with their parents, brothers and sister, some may want a meal, bouncing castles and friends etc. What the child actually wants can often be a lot simpler than the extravagances of us the parents.
I have come to the conclusion that as parents we need to start with the budget that we have for the occasion and work within that. The child will see us doing the very best that we can for them and they will be happy.
If, as the parent you find yourself telling people that you have to have 30 or so extended family and that you will need to feed them all, consider the language that you are using. When you use language that implies no choice and no control then you will be adding to your feelings of stress. If you have made the decision to have this type of event then you will do your stress levels a big favour if you keep your language focused on the choice that you have made, about being positive about what you are doing.
And remember, accept help when it is offered, Other mums understand the work involved and when they offer to make a cake, a dessert, a salad then accept with good grace and in doing so you will reduce your own stress levels.
A third key element is to do as much forward planning as you can and where you can do things in advance then do so rather than having yourself flustered in the kitchen while everyone else is enjoying themselves.
Remember this is a milestone event not only for your child but for you as the adult as well. I have known many parents and I include myself among them who have shed a little tear on the big day. Take the time to be gentle on yourself and acknowledge how far you have come as a parent and how far your child has come in their life journey.
Mary Corbett is the co-founder of Parenting Club, professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland
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