Knowing What you Want

Do you know what it is that you actually want? Are you on your way to getting there? One of the biggest challenges that many people face is actually figuring out what it is that they actually want. This is even more true of parents who place the needs of the child ahead of themselves and can lose sight of their own goals and aspirations. As work forms such a big part of how we spend our time, doing the work that you want to do has a huge impact on our happiness, our sense of ourselves and our self-worth. However in challenging economic times it is not unusual to hear people being advised to “take anything” “get in somewhere” and the rationale behind that advice is easy to understand.

However it is really interesting to look at the various things that can happen when an individual takes on a role that does not match what it is that they think they want. It is equally good to look at the various elements of our work and know what is working well for us and what could be improved. Here are some possibilities that you may have experienced yourself or that those close to you may have experienced:

• love the new role and change what it is that you want
• love the people that you work with which keeps the work tolerable
• find the work OK but work hard at it and keep busy in the hope that you will find a way out
• like the money and focus on how to spend it
• avoid thinking about the job but just keep busy doing it and get on with things
• tolerate the job but stay focused on what you really want and keep working towards that goal

Whether or not you drift along for years in a role that you may not particularly like is hugely influenced by how you process the situation in your head. If your brain is focused on the social elements of work, or keeping so busy that you do not have time to think, then it is more likely that you will stay in the same role. If you wait for the opportunities to come to you then you may miss other opportunities that are out there.   If on the other hand you have a clear goal and a plan for how to get there then you will increase your opportunities to achieve success.

 

One way of looking at what elements of work, are working well for you is to use a variation of a life balance wheel. The idea as you will see from the wheel is to take time to assess how happy/satisfied you are with the different elements on a scale of 1-10. For the parts that you are unhappy with then you can start looking at what you would need to change in order to make a change. The concepts at the end of the spokes of the wheel are examples only. They can be changed to reflect the elements that are important to you. For example if your work involves night work, or split shifts then sleep disruption may feature, if you are on the road a lot then levels of driving may be part of your wheel.

 

 

 

 

 

When you are clear about what makes you happy or unhappy you can then use that knowledge to change your situation. When you are aware of the elements that are important to you, then you can direct where you look for new opportunities. Equally if you decide that you are going to stay in a role that you do not love you can still take some of the elements and change how you deal with them to make your situation better.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

I love you, but….

As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.

Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.

So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?

We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.

Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents.  However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible.  I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.

I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?

You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.

Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.

I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness.  Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.

I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.

Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

College dilemma

This is the time of year when many 18 and 19 year olds decide what courses they want to take in college and fully get to grips with the work that is needed to achieve the results that will allow them to take those courses.  At the same time many parents sit on the side-line anxious that their young adult makes the right decision that will lead to a happy university experience and subsequent gainful employment.

In selecting a course for college there are many unknowns and there are no guarantees.   There is no certainty that they will love the course that they select or that the long term result will be a happy work-life.

So what do we know as parents?

·         We know that nobody sets out to make a bad decision.

·         We know that when we like and are interested in a subject we generally will work               harder at it.

·         We know that when we are motivated from within that we can sustain that motivation           over time.

·         We know that just because we are capable of doing something does not translate to           our actually wanting to do it.

The same is true for our children.

·         Just because they have the capability does not translate to their wanting to take a               particular course.

·         The sheer volume of courses available can be overwhelming.

·         If they struggle to make decisions in small things, they are more likely to struggle with           bigger decision like selecting a college course.

·         They may not fully appreciate the connection between their dream college course               and the work that is needed to get there.

In the meantime we as parents may sit and stress, and worry about what will happen to our child as they move into this adult world.  I have had various conversations with teenagers, parents and young adults and the following are the messages that have come through loud and clear.

The young adult must make the decision

Where parents insist on a particular course the downstream effects can be very negative  I am currently working with a client who is changing career direction after years of stress and negativity towards their parents because they were pushed into a course. This is not the first time and I doubt that it will be the last

It can take real courage as a parent to support your child to follow their dream

Our children’s dreams can be very different from ours, their interests can be very different from ours.  I am reminded of a dedication from a young Fine arts graduate, Rebecca on her thesis “thank you to my parents for allowing me to practice who I am”

Change is always possible

The world we live in is constantly changing and so our children’s ability to change direction and move with change can be truly positive.   Their education, is never a waste.

What you focus on will expand

As parents, we want our children to put the work in, so that they can achieve their goals.   If we focus and encourage the study as it is done then this is what will expand.  If, in our conversations we focus on time wasting, lack of effort etc then this is what will expand.

Stay calm

All these young adults have dreams and anxieties about what their future will bring.  These anxieties can find expression in many ways not all of which are pleasant.  And so in so far as it is practicable. They will benefit from feeding from our strength, and calmness

Stay Listening

We really benefit from keeping our eyes and ears open and recognising if they are not sleeping, eating, getting over anxious,  Although they see themselves as adults they still benefit from us adopting the parenting role if things are going a little pear shaped.

And finally as parents our job is nearly done – our young fledgling adults will find their place in the world.

Thank you for reading.

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland