Words can defeat us

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary a word is a sound or combination of sounds that has a meaning and is spoken or written. According to Wikipedia a word is the smallest element that can be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content.

So why such a small thing rule our lives?

If you actually think about that we are surrounded by words, sounds, speech.We cannot and what’s more important we do not want to avoid it. When a child is born we can’t wait until she starts speaking properly (using words we can understand) so we (think) can communicate with our child better. However take a look at your newborn, she can perfectly communicate her needs. A 6 month-old infant can communicate with the environment by using combination of sounds and gestures. By looking at our infants we can realise that words are not needed for an effective communication.

As a young parent we all make a promise to ourselves that we will be positive, that we never raise voice on our children, that we never hit them. Most of the time we are able to keep our promise of not hitting children, but the rest of the promise…well that’s a different story. I’m not saying here about raising voice to alert the child in order to protect them (like stopping them running into the busy street, putting their little curious hands into hot oven etc). I’m talking about screaming at them because they disobey us.

Children do test boundaries. I remember my daughter, she was about 1 back then, she was always standing by the fireplace guard (there was no fire), but she wasn’t allow to play with the fireguard. She was constantly going there and was trying to remove it.There were our options:

1. Say firm NO.

2. Remove her from the place and distract her.

3. Say NO and have a stare contest.

We found out that the more we would raise our voice the less of a response we are getting from her. Believe it or not the only thing which worked was the door number 3. Until this day (she is 26 months now) giving her ‘the stare’ works like a charm.

Yes, all children are different and different methods need to be used.

I’ve noticed that not only the tone or loudness of the voice matters. What matters the most is the actually words we are saying. If we say to our child ‘You are stupid’, ‘you are a moron’,’ you are fat’,’ you are useless’, ‘you never be anybody’ this is imprinting into their minds and those words last forever. It takes such a long time and so much effort to get rid of those negative labels adults put on a child. The child will go into the world already defeated and with a low self-esteem.

We can loose our cool and say something hurtful to our children, it does happen. We are tired and we snap. If this is a single occurrence apologize to your child, say you did not mean what you said, because you were tired, you had a bad day and promise it will never repeat. Stick to your promise.

However if you, on regular basis, use words to belittle them (such as moron, stupid, failure etc) you are verbally abusing your child. Nobody wants to hear that as you may think they won’t remember. Children do remember and they do understand what you are saying.

There is an easy solution to use the words wisely and for everyone’s benefit.

Instead of saying ‘You are stupid’ say ‘What you did wasn’t very good’

‘You are a moron’ replace with ‘Explain to me why did you (hit this boy, break that car etc)’

If you are not sure what to say or how to replace what you want to say. Remember the simple rule.

‘Focus on the behaviour, not on the person’

Remember that kids want to please us, and we can a long way with praise.

Frederick Douglass said

‘It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men’.

When we use positive language in our every day life, to our partners, friends, and our children. Our children will grow up believing in themselves, being positive, happy and successful people.

Note: The photo contains phrase: ‘Words have power. Use them wisely’.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

I love you, but….

As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.

Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.

So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?

We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.

Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents.  However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible.  I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.

I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?

You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.

Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.

I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness.  Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.

I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.

Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.