Words can defeat us

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary a word is a sound or combination of sounds that has a meaning and is spoken or written. According to Wikipedia a word is the smallest element that can be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content.

So why such a small thing rule our lives?

If you actually think about that we are surrounded by words, sounds, speech.We cannot and what’s more important we do not want to avoid it. When a child is born we can’t wait until she starts speaking properly (using words we can understand) so we (think) can communicate with our child better. However take a look at your newborn, she can perfectly communicate her needs. A 6 month-old infant can communicate with the environment by using combination of sounds and gestures. By looking at our infants we can realise that words are not needed for an effective communication.

As a young parent we all make a promise to ourselves that we will be positive, that we never raise voice on our children, that we never hit them. Most of the time we are able to keep our promise of not hitting children, but the rest of the promise…well that’s a different story. I’m not saying here about raising voice to alert the child in order to protect them (like stopping them running into the busy street, putting their little curious hands into hot oven etc). I’m talking about screaming at them because they disobey us.

Children do test boundaries. I remember my daughter, she was about 1 back then, she was always standing by the fireplace guard (there was no fire), but she wasn’t allow to play with the fireguard. She was constantly going there and was trying to remove it.There were our options:

1. Say firm NO.

2. Remove her from the place and distract her.

3. Say NO and have a stare contest.

We found out that the more we would raise our voice the less of a response we are getting from her. Believe it or not the only thing which worked was the door number 3. Until this day (she is 26 months now) giving her ‘the stare’ works like a charm.

Yes, all children are different and different methods need to be used.

I’ve noticed that not only the tone or loudness of the voice matters. What matters the most is the actually words we are saying. If we say to our child ‘You are stupid’, ‘you are a moron’,’ you are fat’,’ you are useless’, ‘you never be anybody’ this is imprinting into their minds and those words last forever. It takes such a long time and so much effort to get rid of those negative labels adults put on a child. The child will go into the world already defeated and with a low self-esteem.

We can loose our cool and say something hurtful to our children, it does happen. We are tired and we snap. If this is a single occurrence apologize to your child, say you did not mean what you said, because you were tired, you had a bad day and promise it will never repeat. Stick to your promise.

However if you, on regular basis, use words to belittle them (such as moron, stupid, failure etc) you are verbally abusing your child. Nobody wants to hear that as you may think they won’t remember. Children do remember and they do understand what you are saying.

There is an easy solution to use the words wisely and for everyone’s benefit.

Instead of saying ‘You are stupid’ say ‘What you did wasn’t very good’

‘You are a moron’ replace with ‘Explain to me why did you (hit this boy, break that car etc)’

If you are not sure what to say or how to replace what you want to say. Remember the simple rule.

‘Focus on the behaviour, not on the person’

Remember that kids want to please us, and we can a long way with praise.

Frederick Douglass said

‘It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men’.

When we use positive language in our every day life, to our partners, friends, and our children. Our children will grow up believing in themselves, being positive, happy and successful people.

Note: The photo contains phrase: ‘Words have power. Use them wisely’.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

The importance of a routine

I always have been a big fan of ‘Desperate Housewives’. There is this one scene where Mary Alice explains Bree’s weekly routine. It got me thinking that we all live within daily/weekly routines. I realised that no matter what we do we fall into some sort of the routine. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay-at-home parent or professional parent, we have our daily routine regardless.

Routines are important as they show us what is coming next (even though we don’t like doing certain things). The predictability of the day is essential, that’s why as adults, if something unexpected happens, we panic, get nervous or frustrated. We understand life and how it works.

However how our children fit into this? Imagine you are a newborn. For 9 months you get used to floating in your Mom’s belly, used to all gurgling, blood pumping, gases etc, it’s warm and wet. Suddenly you are being taken out, it’s cold, bright and the sound are different. What you do? You cry, as this is all you can do. For 9 months as a baby you had routine, this routine was in sync with your Mom’s. Well when she rested you decided to do all the stretching, somersaults etc. Believe it or not that was your routine, when your Mom was eating, you also got food, you started to develop tastes and preferences. You were familiar with certain smells, sounds and voices. Now, you are in this new environment and nothing is the same. You need to eat differently, you are put into water (which is very comforting, however doesn’t last long). You think that the world you are in is big and scary.

Imagine if your child feels like that?! Now what can we do to help children to adapt? By creating routines. It is much easier that everyone thinks.

You have a newborn, the sleeping pattern are all over the place. Newborns do not distinguish between day and night. We can start by bathing the baby at the same time. Then we massage them, feed them, cuddles and off to bed. Believe it or not, my daughter had her routines set within 2 months. She had two proper naps during the day and in the evening we had the same routine, bath, massage, while I was nursing her my husband was reading stories and usually she fall asleep while nursing.

Remember that creating a routine maybe a lengthy process as each child is different and has different needs, my son never sleeps while nursing, he needs to be cuddled and rocked before bed. So do not give up, you will get there.

Once you master sleeping patterns everything else falls into place. A rested parent is a happy parent right? When your child has proper nap time automatically you create a feeding routine. A 6 month old baby should be either nursed on demand or have between 3-5 bottles a day, depending on his solids intake.

My both children (25 months and almost 10 months) have 5 meals a day. 3 big ones (breakfast, lunch, dinner) and 2 snacks. The little one is also nursed on demand, while my daughter has access to water throughout a day.

I must admit that both my children are clock children. They both know what is coming next. They know that after breakfast we have time to play, have playdates with friends or toddler groups, my daughter herself comes and ask for ‘am am’ when it’s time for her snack. The same goes for her nap time and bed time in the evenings.

Routines also make children feel safe and this is very important. I’ve noticed this with my daughter that when she knew what was coming it was much easier to handle her. She knows that after the snack she has a little time to play and we are off to bed for nap. The predictability makes their lives easier, they feel safe and secure, as they know what is coming.

My husband and I worked hard to create proper routines for our children (we even got there with our son who was colicky and creating any routine for him was a nightmare). Now we can enjoy a little time for us during the day when the kids have their nap/quiet time.

Tell us if you have routine and does it work for you.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

The beautiful brain

I was always fascinated with medicine, neuroscience in particular. I was always thinking how something which weighs on average 1.5 kg (adult brain) can be so amazing, incredible and do so much.

Then I had kids. I get to see on daily basis how their little brain works and functions.

According to University of Denver, Morgridge College of Education, Marsico Institute for Early Learning and Development ‘The period between 0-3 years is the fastest rate of brain development across the entire human life span’. We can observe this on daily basis when a child explores everything, every little thing is fascinating and interesting. Everyone heard the expression that ‘a Child’s brain is like a sponge’, it really does take in everything. They are born talented and fearless, they can achieve everything and anything they want.

My children are being brought up in a multi-language environment (3 languages to be precise). My 2 year old can easily express herself in all 3 language depends on whom she is speaking with. The study also says that ‘All humans are born with ability to learn any language’. In the early stage of development the learning process is natural and easy for them. I observe my daughter and see hoe easy it is to her to say what she wants in all 3 languages. The study also proved that ‘ Learning more than 1 language improves cognitive development’.

In their studies they also found out that ‘Parents who frequently talk to their babies, increase children’s vocabulary by 300 words by the age of 2’. So if you read, talk and play with your child from the birth they will be able to communicate with you easier and (quite possibly) faster. We have such a huge selection of beautiful kids stories to read, so many stories to tell them, why not start now? I have 2 favourite times of the day. One when my older daughter is napping and I get my 9 month old only to myself, I talk to him, read to him and see how much he loves ‘ME time’ with Mommy. The other time is when my daughter is in her pajamas lying on our bed and we read to her her favourite fairy tales and she cuddles with us and repeat as much as she can. Reading also helps ‘to stimulate brain development by 50% of infants and toddlers’ if parents read to them routinely.

I love being at home with my babies. I always instinctively knew that’s the best for me and my children. The research proved my approach ‘A strong parent-child bond in early childhood prepares children to better handle stress throughout life’. Each parent, whether they work inside or outside home can create a strong bond with the children, it takes commitment and time (cleaning, ironing, washing can wait). When the child feels secure and loved he will grow up to be a strong, independent and confident person.

Just as a conclusion to my brain talk today I will quote one more fact from the research.

‘By the time they are 3, children’s brains have formed 1000 trillion connections between neurons.’

Now let’s keep remembering that we are surrounded by little geniuses 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

Terrible Two’s?

Your child turns 2 and suddenly the transformation begins.Your so far lovely little angel turns into a little monster.As a parent are you supposed to dread this time? Yes and no. Let’s try to understand what is happening with your little one.

Your child is living in the NOW. Time, and time restraints are completely abstract to the child. They do not understand when you say ‘We are finishing in 5 minutes’.It is much better to say ‘We go on the slide 3 more times and then we are going home for dinner’.

Their favourite word is NO. ‘Do you want to drink? NO’, ‘Do you want to play with the track? NO. It seems like nothing you do or say can please your child. It’s not like that. Your child learnt that he is and individual and now is able to manifest his own ‘I’, his identity.

He wants to do everything by HIMSELF. A 2 year old wants to put his own shoes, pants, shirt. Let him do it, after all you want to have an independent child, one day, so you and your child need to start somewhere. Let him put on pants, be there to help if needed. Remember to be patient, child doesn’t understand that you maybe in a hurry. It is better to give him extra few minutes to get dresses rather than getting upset that you are running late.

He speaks a lot however doesn’t understand everything. It’s a common misconception, we think that if a child talks a lot and seems to use the words in the right context and repeat them that he has mastered the difficult art of understanding. Nothing more wrong. The child is not able to fully comprehend adult language as of yet. That’s why my 2 year old keeps asking the same questions throughout the day. As she needs to process the words in her head and make the connections so that she can remember the answer.

He is extremely active. 2 year olds do not walk, they RUN. It’s all about speed and effectiveness. They have mastered the art of walking so now it’s time to make it even more fun (for the parents) and that means they run everywhere and always. They have huge amount of energy and they need to burn it off.

They are fussy, cranky and they exaggerate in every aspect. Many 2 year olds become fussy eaters, at least temporarily (by doing so they claim their independence and show their preference), they become easily cranky, due to lack of sleep, thirst or food.

Above all they like to exaggerate their emotions, they fall and they cry like there is no tomorrow, and at the same time when they show you how much they love you they love you with their entire body. They kiss, they hug and say it as much as they can.

Even though 2 year olds can be challenging it is important for the parents to stay calm and be supportive to their children. I know staying calm may be difficult when your child decides to paint the TV, usually a firm ‘NO’ does the trick and it is really super if all the adults in the childs life say no to the same things at this time. You can always remove the child from the environment (remember not to pull or push them, simply pick them up). Take them to another room, distract them. 2 year olds can go from one emotion to another within a split second. Use this to your advantage, distract them, by singing, goofing around, dancing,

Your child is building fundaments of becoming independent human being, this is just a phase. How you react will be a major contributor to the patterns that they develop later in childhood. Even if you lose your calmness and screamed at your child, do not be ashamed to apologize to your child, but do not blame the child either. Say ‘I’m sorry I screamed at you. I love you very much’. By doing so you are teaching your child the difficult art of apologizing.

That age is just a phase, your child is a highly creative, fearless and extremely loveable little person. When they come and cuddle you and hug you it’s the best feeling in the world. Plus their smiles and laugh compensate for everything else.

You are doing a great job as a parent.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.