Are my routines for me or my child?

17 years ago as a first time mum, it took time for me to develop a routine with my new bundle of joy.  I had read books, both general parenting books, and child psychology books.  My mother and mother-in-law were generous in their recommendations of what I ‘should’ be doing.  Added to this I had a very hungry baby who chose to feed every hour and a half.   As you can imagine I quickly became very, very tired.

The one thing that really kept me going was the fact that my baby was thriving.  He had a steady weight gain each week and but for the constant waking, he couldn’t have been better.  However within 4 months my mood and well -being had plummeted and my doctor diagnosed post-natal depression and recommended anti-depressants and rest. A few months later I was again enjoying and embracing motherhood and able to decide for myself which of the recommendations from my mother that I would adopt.

The one that I really embraced and which I have held onto for the past 17 years has been my approach to sleep routines.  Throughout my children’s childhood I have been very insistent about bed time.   It did not matter if we were visiting their granny or not, or what was on TV bed time was bedtime and the wind-down process was the same each night not matter where I was.

Looking back was I a little over the top, and rigid in my approach very probably – well ok!  yes I was!

However, the net effect was that for my childrens middle years (ages 4-10) I could always count on both of them being up in bed and sleeping before 9 pm.

The up side of these routines were a calm and peaceful approach to bedtime, my children knew that this was a boundary that was not flexible.

Equally importantly both of my children developed the habit of reading (from a book) before bedtime.

I avoided inappropriate TV as we had DVDs, reading, cuddles, and gentle games before bedtime

Both of my children learned that they both needed time at the end of the day to put the day to bed, to let go of all that had happened and be grateful for the good things that had happened during the day.  Any final thoughts about things that had happened during the day usually surfaced during that final cuddle before lights out.

Both my children got plenty of sleep and their dad and I have avoided those tantrums that come with overtiredness.

The downside was that both my children up to the age of about 11 were early risers and up and ready for action by 7.00 am and weekends were no different.  This has meant that we have as a family developed a very leisurely approach to breakfast and getting started in the mornings.  Now as teenagers they still have a leisurely approach to waking up which is not always helpful on a school morning.

Looking back I am not certain who benefited most from my strictly implemented bedtime routines.  For certain my children did benefit.  In fact in all areas of their lives where there have had structure and routine they have thrived.  Equally important knowing that we had calm quiet evenings certainly did no harm to my husband and myself.  My routines worked for us as well as our children.

 

Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

 

Precious moments

It was my conscious decision to be a stay-at-home Mum. We were aware that money can be tight at times, however we wanted to spend the most essential years being around kids.

I am not judging other people decisions. This is simply my approach and experience.

When Chloe was born, she became my entire universe. I had to admit I was a mother hen. At the same time, I made sure my husband doesn’t feel abandoned. Since her birth he was the one bathing her, singing and reading to her. As most parents say our world has change completely. We had this tiny creature fully depended on us. At the same time, I was thinking that I don’t want to put he in any daycare, creche as I want to see every milestones, I want to know every bump and scar. No one knows my child as well as me. I know her character, what she likes and dislikes, her favourite toy at the time and what she really needs at given time.

When our son was born, I had to leave her for few days. As much as I was excited about our new bundle of joy I was also thinking about my almost 16 month old daughter without me. And guess what? She was perfectly happy with her Dad.

After coming home I treasured every moment with my 2 kids. At the same time I realised that it is ok, to leave them for few hours with their Dad and do something for myself.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have the best of both. Spending time with my children and having flexible working hours.

I am still responsible for their development, their knowledge. It is my decision what they watch, read, play with. I am more easy going now knowing that soon they will go out to the world. I am so much more confident that they will succeed in life, not because I am a stay-at-home Mum, but because I believe I am building their self-esteem by letting them be who they are. Yes, I do get tired, frustrated and annoyed, but we are learning to overcome those obstacles and we become more tolerant about each other needs.

Being at home with my kids helped me to realise what is really important and what I want for my family and for my kids. No matter what the future brings I know that I gave my children (in my opinion) the best of their early years…my undivided attention and the importance of being together.

P/S. The picture shows my family during our beach walk 🙂

 

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

I should get my child play sport but……..

Earlier this week I was with some business colleagues sharing lunch and the conversation turned to our children and their love of technology over sports and exercise.  The dilemma which one of the dads is currently facing has stayed with me and is what I would like to explore today.

Here is a summary of his challenge.  John is a busy business man who is out all day meeting clients and engaging with people all of the time.  As an adult he likes nothing better than to come home and zone out with his Xbox.

Now his 5 year old likes nothing better than to also sit at the Xbox and play games alongside his dad and also on his own.

John’s dilemma is that he has read the parenting books and surfed the internet and he knows that it would be really beneficial to have his son out playing sports and mixing with other children.  However the reality is that at the end of a busy work day getting back in the car to drive his child to training, to matches and the waiting around that is entails feels more like punishment than enjoyable bonding time with his son.  Plus the dad is not really that interested in sport.

One of the other parents pointed out that they got their son involved in beaver/cubs/scouts and found it brilliant for encouraging their son to be active, outdoors ad mixing with other children outside of school.  It also wasn’t football!  John quietly commented that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in the great outdoors without his technology himself.

So what to do?

My own experience with my son has taught me that our children can become passionate about a sport even if we as the parents do not have the same interest.  However from the very beginning I chose to speak very positively about the benefits of sport, occasionally twinged with regret for the opportunities that I did not have at his age.

I also found a way to make the commute manageable and fun.  As far as possible I use car drives for those one-to- one bonding chats and really hearing what is going on in my child’s head.  Equally importantly I have found ways to make those training sessions work for me, I have had client calls, read books and wrote during those hours in the car or the nearest coffee shop.    By making the time work for me I found that I became much more positive about it.

I have also learned that not all children are happy to do team sports, some do not like sport at all and we need to be very mindful of the potential damage that we will do if we force a sports agenda.  That is not to say that we leave them in front of the TV all the time but rather that we find a way to get sufficient activity into their lives so that they are learning healthy patterns.

I have also found that it helps to be very clear as the parent what my goal is at any stage for each of my children.  They have varied over the years and have included: being healthy, mixing well with other children, learning to deal with different adult relationships, developing their own interest outside of me as parent, learning how different patterns and behaviours affect how they feel.

John only has a dilemma because of his love for his son.  His son clearly adores his dad and wants to be like him and so of course he wants to play his Xbox too.

John’s mind-set around exercise and the language that he uses with his child matter. For any child in the 4-8 age bracket parents are the hero and their actions and words have a huge influence on the child.  We know as adults and parents that our children are more likely to follow our actions that our words.   We know too that if we like and are interested in the activities that they become involved in it will be reflected in our language and our attitude.

And finally, we as adults can choose our mind-set.  If we do not currently have an positive health and exercise attitude we can look at ourselves first before we try to teach our children.

 

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland 

15 Minutes of Calm

The majority of parents are busy both inside and outside the home.   Many parents spend their time on a constant merry-go-round rushing here, there and yonder in a bid to meet the varying needs of their children.

Many of us as parents have made a very conscious decision to involve our children in various out of school activities in order to give them access to as many opportunities as possible.  However I will be the first to admit that I have often underestimated the commitment that is needed to facilitate attendance at matches, competitions, extra sessions, changes in training times etc.

And so I can often find myself behind the wheel of the car and feeling more like a taxi driver than anything else.  If however you suggested to me that maybe I should pull my children out of any of their activities my immediate response would be NO.

I am very clear of the value for my children of the activities.  I now use those drives when I have just one child in the car to provide them with the space to talk to me and let me know what is going on in their head.

What I have learned over the past 17 years however is that each day I must make at least 15 minutes of me time each day, time to sit still and breathe and just restore my sense of calm.  Taking some time out each day means that I am better able to hear what my children are saying to me, to deal with their issues and be a better and stronger parent.  When I get flustered I am not really there as a parent for my children so those 15 minutes of calm that are just for me are really, really important.

Now I know that there are many who will say that they cannot possibly get 15 minutes but I believe that if we make the decision to gift ourselves that 15 minutes we will find a way to make it happen.

So if you are struggling to find 15 minutes, why not look at some of the activities that you do each day on auto-pilot.  Are these behaviours actually necessary?  Do you spend time making lunches when the children are old enough to do this for themselves? Does every room have to be spotlessly cleaned, every day?

So what would the ideal part of the day for you to gain that 15 minutes of calm?  Take a 2 hour window and look at all the activities that you usually do during that 2 hours.  Focus on those task that you do automatically.  How long have you been doing them?  Are they actually necessary? Do you want to lose them? Offload them? Do them at a different time, or do them differently?

Taking time for you, to mind yourself and support your inner sense of self and calm matters.  It supports you to be the best parent that you can be.  Taking time for yourself is a generous gift for your children.

 

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland 

Words can defeat us

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary a word is a sound or combination of sounds that has a meaning and is spoken or written. According to Wikipedia a word is the smallest element that can be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content.

So why such a small thing rule our lives?

If you actually think about that we are surrounded by words, sounds, speech.We cannot and what’s more important we do not want to avoid it. When a child is born we can’t wait until she starts speaking properly (using words we can understand) so we (think) can communicate with our child better. However take a look at your newborn, she can perfectly communicate her needs. A 6 month-old infant can communicate with the environment by using combination of sounds and gestures. By looking at our infants we can realise that words are not needed for an effective communication.

As a young parent we all make a promise to ourselves that we will be positive, that we never raise voice on our children, that we never hit them. Most of the time we are able to keep our promise of not hitting children, but the rest of the promise…well that’s a different story. I’m not saying here about raising voice to alert the child in order to protect them (like stopping them running into the busy street, putting their little curious hands into hot oven etc). I’m talking about screaming at them because they disobey us.

Children do test boundaries. I remember my daughter, she was about 1 back then, she was always standing by the fireplace guard (there was no fire), but she wasn’t allow to play with the fireguard. She was constantly going there and was trying to remove it.There were our options:

1. Say firm NO.

2. Remove her from the place and distract her.

3. Say NO and have a stare contest.

We found out that the more we would raise our voice the less of a response we are getting from her. Believe it or not the only thing which worked was the door number 3. Until this day (she is 26 months now) giving her ‘the stare’ works like a charm.

Yes, all children are different and different methods need to be used.

I’ve noticed that not only the tone or loudness of the voice matters. What matters the most is the actually words we are saying. If we say to our child ‘You are stupid’, ‘you are a moron’,’ you are fat’,’ you are useless’, ‘you never be anybody’ this is imprinting into their minds and those words last forever. It takes such a long time and so much effort to get rid of those negative labels adults put on a child. The child will go into the world already defeated and with a low self-esteem.

We can loose our cool and say something hurtful to our children, it does happen. We are tired and we snap. If this is a single occurrence apologize to your child, say you did not mean what you said, because you were tired, you had a bad day and promise it will never repeat. Stick to your promise.

However if you, on regular basis, use words to belittle them (such as moron, stupid, failure etc) you are verbally abusing your child. Nobody wants to hear that as you may think they won’t remember. Children do remember and they do understand what you are saying.

There is an easy solution to use the words wisely and for everyone’s benefit.

Instead of saying ‘You are stupid’ say ‘What you did wasn’t very good’

‘You are a moron’ replace with ‘Explain to me why did you (hit this boy, break that car etc)’

If you are not sure what to say or how to replace what you want to say. Remember the simple rule.

‘Focus on the behaviour, not on the person’

Remember that kids want to please us, and we can a long way with praise.

Frederick Douglass said

‘It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men’.

When we use positive language in our every day life, to our partners, friends, and our children. Our children will grow up believing in themselves, being positive, happy and successful people.

Note: The photo contains phrase: ‘Words have power. Use them wisely’.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

I think my child has a problem, should I be worried?

Most parents can recall their worries and fears when their child experienced a temperature spike for the first time.  As a first time parent I remember bringing my child of just 18 weeks to the doctor with the following symptom – He is just not right, his form is very off.

The response from my doctor has stayed with me ever since.  It was along the lines of: “you are his mother, and yes it may be just first babyitis but it is always worth getting things checked out just in case”.  It turned out that my son’s sinuses were clogging up but there was no infection.  Having said that he was probably feeling quite uncomfortable. It was the pre-cursor to a series of sinus problems which he experienced with every new tooth.

Many years later as a 12 year old he got a pain in his stomach and again my doctors reaction was that I would not have bought him in except that my fear was real.  He went to hospital that night with suspected appendicitis.  It was a false alarm but he did end up with a 3 day stay in hospital until he became pain free.   They put it down to a virus.

As parents we learn to recognise when our children are off form, when they are dealing with colds, flus, tummy bugs and other common childhood illnesses.  As our children get older we take these things in our stride and just deal with them.

On the other hand many parents experience worries and fears that are related to their child not achieving, or being slow to achieve developmental milestones.  When our child is slow to respond to sound, slow to talk, slow to sit up, crawl, walk etc., we can very quickly become fearful that our child is facing a serious set of challenges.   As our worries and fears take over, we may find ourselves constantly comparing our child to others.

There is no denying that the developmental norms that we read about in the literature have a huge spread.  In other words children do differ at the rate at which they reach each milestone and there is no reassurance to be found in comparing your child who may be at the later stage in the spectrum and another child who developed at the opposite end of the spectrum.

However, when it comes to developmental, behavioural or emotional issues, if there is a real problem, then the earlier at which we identify the issue and put actions in place to support the child, then the better the outcome for the child.

And so if you find yourself worrying and becoming anxious then you really have some choices to make.

You can do nothing, stay in a state of anxiety and let time eventually demonstrate whether or not you have a real problem.

You can get your child properly assessed and learn that you do not have a problem and so then you can relax sure in the knowledge that you are doing the best for your child and enjoy your child’s more leisurely pace of development.

You can get your child properly assessed, discover that you in fact have an issue and know that your early interventions will support the best possible outcome for your child.

 

Mary Corbett is the co-founder of  Parenting Club,  professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland 

I love you, but….

As a young mother I am filled with love for my children. They are the most beautiful, smartest, cutest children ever (for me obviously) and I think about my children in the same exact way as every parent out there. for me my children are the entire universe and no matter what the future brings I will always love them.

Some people say that the love of a mother cannot be destroyed, altered or broken. Mothers love their children unconditionally, for a mother her children are simply the best in every aspect. Mother’s love is so strong because that love starts from the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant. She is the only one who knows how it feels when her baby kicks, moves around or has hiccups while being in belly.

So why do so many women put ultimatums/conditions on that love? It sounds funny and weird, right?

We all fight with our parents (more or less) as this is part of growing up, dealing with hormones, age and independence, but what happens if we have the same fights all over again? I have very difficult relationship with my parents, my Mom in particular, it is a relationship of tagging the rope. Who is stronger and who wins. Once I had kids I realised it is a lost battle for me. Because no matter what I do and what do I achieve it never be enough. It is classic example of what I call ‘I love you, but…’ parenthood. I love you, but you need to buy a house. I love you, but you need to exercise more, I love you, but stop crying, I love you, but you it’s not how we raised you etc. Whatever I do will never be enough. Now I know that this is fundamentally their (parents) issue and not mine.

Now there is no denying that most parents want what is best for their children, so do my parents.  However, what determines what we as parents believe the “best” to look like? Is it based on our own feelings of inadequacy? Or perhaps on our perception that our children will be happiest if they succeed financially? Or perhaps if they have the best education possible.  I know my parents love me, but I am also aware that they have certain expectation towards my behaviour, living situation etc. That’s why so many parents, either consciously or unconsciously, push their children in certain directions based on their own experiences.

I remember many years ago in primary school I got 5 from English (we have 1-6 scale, 1 meaning complete failure, 5 being the best and 6 being extraordinary). I was so proud as I was the only in class of 30 something kids, and did I hear? Why not 6?

You can imagine what this approach does to a young person self esteem. I tried so hard but it was never good enough. Just to make you aware I wasn’t the only one with parents who condition their love. Most of my friends were expected to become somebody (follow their parents career footsteps, eg: a child becomes a lawyer just like his Dad, or she is supposed to be a doctor like her Mom) or behave in a certain way. However I did not give in to this feeling of being a failure (it took me quite a long time to understand who I am and what I want) and I am creating a life which is my dream life for my family. All decisions are made by me and my husband and we decide in which directions we go.

Do I believe that they set out to damage my or my friends self esteem – no, they most likely thought they were encouraging me to be my absolute best which could only be evidenced by perfect scores or choosing the ‘right’ career. My parents generation was brought up in a completely different circumstances and they value traditional ways. It has always been about keeping up appearances- what the neighbours say, your behaviour reflects on us. So when I choose to live outside the ‘social standard acceptance’ I am considered a rebel and a black sheep of a family.

I realised that I wanted to be a different type of a parent. I am supporting my kids in whatever endeavours they go. I want them to be happy, but I do understand that their concept of being happy maybe completely different to my definition of happiness.  Maybe they will want to travel a world and not settle down, maybe they want to have a 9-5 job which pays their bills, no matter what they choose to be and to do, I will be by their side.

I want to make sure they are brave enough to try something new, that they are not afraid to be different and unique, that they are following their dreams. (Do I put conditions on my love towards my children? In my mind no, because I won’t let my personal feelings cloud my love for them. I love them despite and in spite of anything they do). The way I see it, I want to give my children a skill, which helps them decide what to do in life without worrying about disappointing us as parents, I want to empower them to live their lives in a way which makes them happy.

Some parents (I’ve seen that with my parents generation) put their lives on hold only because it’s the right thing to do once you have a family. I believe a happy fulfilled parent is a great example for the kids. It’s ok to follow your own dreams, your kids will follow you no matter what. Because children love us unconditionally no matter what. They love us simply for being in their lives. They don’t love us more or less due to our bank account, the weight we carry or the hair colour we have. They love us simply because we are in their lives, so I would encourage everyone to practice such love 🙂

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.