Easter Bunny’s, Chocolate, Spring Lambs and Laughter

All that chocolate in the shops, lambs in the fields, dry sunny weather, children off school – it must be Easter.   This is a time of year that I always enjoy.

As a holiday it has become more commercialised over the years but it is not yet at the levels that are associated with Christmas and in my world at least there seems to be more focus on family and getting out and about and doing “stuff” together.

When my children were younger we really enjoyed have an egg hunt in our garden.   The laughter that my husband and I shared as they walked right past eggs is part of our rich store of memories.  That and small faces looking up at us full of chocolate.

Perhaps, it is the brighter days and the extra energy that I always week to have at this time of year but I always associate Easter with laughter.

Now it has long been known that laughter is good for us and as parents most of us can instantly think of situations where our children have made us laugh.  This type of spontaneous laughter has the greatest impact on us and our ability to deal with the challenges that come our way.

In fact research evidence has found that laughter can

• lower blood pressure
• increase blood oxygenation
• give the muscles of our face, back, legs, diaphragm and abdomen a good work out
• reduce some stress hormones
• increase our defences against respiratory infections
• increase memory and learning
• improve alertness, creativity and memory

Now in  an ideal world we would all experience regular bouts of spontaneous laughter.  however as busy parents we can find ourselves running around from one thing to another and many of us experience extended periods of time that are devoid of this fabulous health-inducing gift.

So this Easter, why not set yourself the goal of  family laughter- in can how about creating regular opportunities for laughter for you and your family

Knowing What you Want

Do you know what it is that you actually want? Are you on your way to getting there? One of the biggest challenges that many people face is actually figuring out what it is that they actually want. This is even more true of parents who place the needs of the child ahead of themselves and can lose sight of their own goals and aspirations. As work forms such a big part of how we spend our time, doing the work that you want to do has a huge impact on our happiness, our sense of ourselves and our self-worth. However in challenging economic times it is not unusual to hear people being advised to “take anything” “get in somewhere” and the rationale behind that advice is easy to understand.

However it is really interesting to look at the various things that can happen when an individual takes on a role that does not match what it is that they think they want. It is equally good to look at the various elements of our work and know what is working well for us and what could be improved. Here are some possibilities that you may have experienced yourself or that those close to you may have experienced:

• love the new role and change what it is that you want
• love the people that you work with which keeps the work tolerable
• find the work OK but work hard at it and keep busy in the hope that you will find a way out
• like the money and focus on how to spend it
• avoid thinking about the job but just keep busy doing it and get on with things
• tolerate the job but stay focused on what you really want and keep working towards that goal

Whether or not you drift along for years in a role that you may not particularly like is hugely influenced by how you process the situation in your head. If your brain is focused on the social elements of work, or keeping so busy that you do not have time to think, then it is more likely that you will stay in the same role. If you wait for the opportunities to come to you then you may miss other opportunities that are out there.   If on the other hand you have a clear goal and a plan for how to get there then you will increase your opportunities to achieve success.

 

One way of looking at what elements of work, are working well for you is to use a variation of a life balance wheel. The idea as you will see from the wheel is to take time to assess how happy/satisfied you are with the different elements on a scale of 1-10. For the parts that you are unhappy with then you can start looking at what you would need to change in order to make a change. The concepts at the end of the spokes of the wheel are examples only. They can be changed to reflect the elements that are important to you. For example if your work involves night work, or split shifts then sleep disruption may feature, if you are on the road a lot then levels of driving may be part of your wheel.

 

 

 

 

 

When you are clear about what makes you happy or unhappy you can then use that knowledge to change your situation. When you are aware of the elements that are important to you, then you can direct where you look for new opportunities. Equally if you decide that you are going to stay in a role that you do not love you can still take some of the elements and change how you deal with them to make your situation better.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Choosing to Create Ripples of Positivity

Most of us have at some point in our lives observed the phenomena of dropping a small pebble into a pool of water and watching the ever widening ripple effect. Ripple effects are all around us and yet despite this they often go un-noticed in our busy lives. It is good to take time to consider how our own behaviours can have ripple effects that may be positive or negative.  There may be many elements in our day that we do not control but we can control our attitude.

Take for example q decision to buy locally produced, pre-cleaned and cut vegetables rather than imported ones. When we buy the imported ones the money goes to the supermarket owner and farmers and food processors somewhere but we have very little idea where. When we purchase the local product then the local farmer has more money to spend, the workers in the local food processing plant stay employed and the local supermarket benefits. The ripple effect of buying local is very extensive and very positive for us all.

Likewise, have you ever got up in the morning and started your day feeling tired and cranky? Then there is no coffee, there are traffic jams and just one negative seems to follow the next.  Indeed the day can ripple out to negative and stressful experiences for the whole day. It can feel like we are attracting all the worlds negativity.   If however in the midst of this we encounter kindness, a kind word of understanding, an offer of a chat and a coffee, it can lift our spirits and a considerably more positive ripple effect can start just as easily as our earlier negative one – but only if we allow it.

There are lots of things that we can do on a day to day basis that can help us to be positive and create positive ripple effects in our immediate environment. Some of my own personal favourites include

Smiling – In particular I always put a smile on my face before I answer the phone which helps ensure that there is a warmth in my voice even if the other person can’t see me. Equally I will smile and say a cheery hello to strangers as I walk down the street. Generally the smile and say hello back. When you looked at the image at the top of this blog did you smile?

Head up and Shoulders back – my posture helps ensure that I breathe properly and helps me feel more confident.

Good Self Care – it would seem obvious but ensuring that I get the basics of a healthy diet and a reasonable about of exercise create the foundation stones for being positive. Added to this is ensuring that I get adequate levels of sleep. Tiredness can be a real drain on positivity.

Random Act of Kindness – I try to do something kind for another person each day that is not expected. It may be family, a neighbour or a stranger that I encounter as I go about my daily activities. It may be a simple as sharing a chat and a cup of coffee. Although I set out to give, I nearly always gain as well.

Spend Time with Other Positive People – I try to avoid complaining and negative people as much as possible and instead engage with others who want to beat the economic doom and gloom and fight back and build the best life I can for myself and my family. If I have to spend time with negative people, I try to ensure that they are followed by positivity as quickly as possible.

There is no denying that positivity and negativity can have very extensive ripple effects in our daily lives. Despite the negatives that we may encounter, we can each take control of our mental attitude and the ripple effect that we create in our immediate environment.   We can choose to work at being positive and create positive experiences for ourselves and those with whom we interact. In this way we can build ever expanding ripples of positivity all around us.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Do You Worry?

Are you a worrier? Do you find yourself worrying about your children and what the future holds for them? Do you find yourself worrying about the economy? Your mortgage? Getting older? Your health?

As a brand new mum, all those years ago, I found myself worrying was I going to be a good mum, was I doing things right etc. I asked an older woman, a grandmother, “When will I stop worrying?” Her response was welcome to the world of motherhood you will never stop worrying and with a laugh she added that I would get used to it

Well as the years have gone by, I have grown in confidence in my ability to be a mother and I have learned a lot about worrying.

Most of us have times when we worry. We will worry about whether we will still have a job, we will worry about whether our business will survive, we will worry about having enough money to pay our bills? When we worry we can lose sleep, not eat, over eat, drink too much, and generally feel under pressure. But what good will it do? The answer is – Not a lot!

Worrying by itself will not change our situation. Indeed it can make it more challenging for us to come up with plans and strategies to make things better. Each of us as an individual needs our own personal plan to make our personal situation as good as it can be.   To do this most effectively we need to get out heads into a place where we are calm, clear and focused and not bogged down in worrying about what might happen.

One of the most effective ways that I have found over the years is put my head in a good place to create a plan is to take time to stop, forget about everything and go out and have some fun. All the better if this fun is achieved engaging with others and getting outdoors and being active.   So when is the last time you

Got tickled?

Ran up a hill just because it was there?

Made a sand castle?

Painted a picture?

Played chase /hide and seek?

These things are far too much fun to be left to children. When we take time as adults to find our own inner child and go and have some fun we do something that is really good for our mental health and well-being.   We give ourselves the opportunity to recognise what is really important to us, to feel good about ourselves and to put things into perspective.  This is especially true if it involves lots of laughter.

With a clear head we are better able to look at our current situation. With a clear head we are better able to identify the strategies that will work for us. With a clear head our plans will be more effective. How many of us have said to others when we see them getting bogged down “take a break”. The reality is that often we are much better at saying this to others, rather than applying it to ourselves. So if you are caught up with worrying, being stressed, and cannot see the wood from the trees, it is time to take a break and have some fun.

Make a list of all the fun things that you would love to do but haven’t done for a long time. What is actually stopping you?   Is it money? There is lots of fun stuff that you can do that does not cost money so that is not an excuse. Is it time? Even a half an hour of fun will be beneficial so take a half hour off, the world won’t actually fall apart. Is it guilt? Do you feel guilty about having fun when things are bad? Well it is for your mental health. It really will support you deal more effectively with your personal challenges if you take some mental time away from them.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Holding onto your positivity as a parent

Any of us who have ever taken a flight will be familiar with the safety message about oxygen masks

“Place the mask on your own face first before attending to your children”

As parents many of us struggle to fully acknowledge and address our own needs particularly when we have small children.   We are also aware that being positive is in some way a good thing but sometimes we need to be reminded that holding onto our positivity is a very valuable gift and one which we sometimes need to actively work at. When we feel positive we tend to have more energy and so we are better able to deal with the challenges that life brings.

Now, I know that when we are lacking sleep and children are constantly pushing the boundaries and add to this financial challenges and external work pressures it can be difficult to see the positive – to see a light at the end of the tunnel. However, it is important to remember that what we focus on expands.   In other words when we focus on the negative it just gets bigger and bigger and in this way it can start to overwhelm us.

Equally, however, if we focus on the positive it too will expand and will support us to be more active in taking control of our situation and deal with our issues. So how do you keep positive? There are lots of different strategies that you can use and it is important to find those that work for you.   Here are some that I have used and others that my clients have found useful.

1. Make a list of all the good things in your life right now – Are you in good health? Have you the support of a solid relationship? Have you savings to tide you over while you search for a new job? Can you use being out of work to change direction and re-train for a new career path?   Once you have the list completed, keep it close and when the negative thoughts start to take over your head take out your list and remind yourself of the good stuff.
2. Each morning before you get out of bed, plan some positive actions to do during the day. It may be as simple as de-cluttering a room so that you have comfortable space to relax, or going for a walk and really experiencing your surroundings. It may be to deliver a target at work or giving additional support to your partner. What is important is that you create a plan that will allow you to identify what will make the day, a good day.
3. Each night before you go to sleep, make a list of all the good things that you have done during the day. Did you help you children with their homework? Did you cook a really nice meal for your nearest and dearest? Did you do a good deed for a stranger, a neighbour, a friend? Acknowledge to yourself the contribution that you have made to enrich the lives of those who are closest to you, to those you work with, to friends and acquaintances.
4. If you find it difficult to switch off from the day, its pressures and negativities, this is one that a number of clients have found really useful: Take a sheet of paper and jot down the issues. Then put the sheet of paper in an envelope and put it in a drawer and put it away until the following day, the end of the weekend, a week away. In effect send a very ritualised message to your brain that you are putting these issues away and deciding to switch off from them for a while. (I have clients who swear by this)
5. Do a kindness for another person. When we do something for somebody else it makes us feel good.   Every time I have set a goal to do something for another without an expectation of getting anything back it has come back to me in spades – I personally know of nothing better to keep me feeling positive.

So you are where you are today – What are you going to do to expand your sense of positivity?

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Why is She Mean to Me?

There have been many school gate conversations where the comment has been pass that children can be very cruel/mean to each other.  I have seen some parents get very worked up because their “little angel” has been treated badly by another child.  I have equally witnessed parents say -“isn’t that the way it is, they will grow out of it”

The reality is that children are learning how to behave from their parents, their siblings, their classmates, teachers, sports coaches etc.  The additional reality is that there is a large variation in the emotional and intellectual development of each child and this further compounds the challenges that some children may face.

As my own children have gone through primary school I have developed a number of responses to situations that have developed with other children that have served me well.  I hope that you find them useful.

Are you OK? How do you Feel?

My priority as a parent is where my child is at when she tells me, followed by what they are learning.

There have been plenty of times when they had processed an incident for themselves and were telling me only because I had asked what had happened during the day.  I would not have served them well to pull them back into the emotion of the event (as much as I really wanted to get mad on their behalf).

So instead  I learned to focus on how they had learned, how they could handle a similar situation if it came up again.

Retaliation may lead my child into trouble

Although my child’s own immediate reaction might have been to physically rail back, or insult or be very cruel verbally, these responses were never going to serve my child well.   Both my children received a constant message to never respond physically.  My son in particular who was  doing Tae-Kwan-Do was warned you can block a hit but you must never attack and if you do there will be no more Tae-Kwan-Do.   Their verbal responses were to be of the variety of smart, diffusing or confusing but never insulting or hurtful.  They learned to respond with phrases like “So!”; “Your point is” “that’s just what I was hoping for” “Thank you”  these latter too need a little extra explaining.  My daughter had a couple of months where another child called her “weird” “Strange” etc.  My daughter’s confident response of “Brilliant” “Thank you” etc diffused the situation, and the other child quickly learned that her mean words didn’t hurt my daughter.  It also avoided those I said you said escalations.

Public Face – Private Face

At one level we all want our children to recognise  and express their emotions and understand what it is they are feeling both positive and negative.   When they encounter other children acting in a bullying manner however they are best served if they do not disclose their true feelings to the bully.   If they are able to hold a mask of not being affected by the bad behaviour the bully learns that they have no power and this can actually diffuse the situation in some cases.  In these circumstances however it becomes very important that the child has the opportunity to express their emotions in a safe environment so that they learn to let go of all the anger and hurt.  As the parent we can make a calm call when we need to go for re-inforcements to support our child and when our childs own public face protects them sufficiently.

What does the Child Want?

As my children have got older I have found it hugely beneficial to them and the development of their sense of self esteem to ask if they want me to let the teacher know what is going on, before I rush in in self righteous indignation.   My son in particular, really wanted to handle situations with other pupils for himself.   He know that I was there in the background, he knew he could tell me what he was planning without judgement but rather i would make sure that the possible consequences were thought through.

in this way he learned great life lessons of what he needs to do to handle difficult people and how to protect the messages in his own head and his own feelings.

Get over it and Move On

When my daughter was about 4-6 she came home with various stories from school and it turned out that they could  be a week old, a month old and in fact the longest gap was something that had happened the previous year.  It started a process of constantly messaging that I could help her deal with things that were current and that she just had to let them go.  At the same time she was constantly told that each day was a new day and yesterdays hurts are gone and that she needed to be respectful and kind with each new day.  Yesterdays  hurts were yesterdays.

Overall, I believe that most people are fundamentally good and if we treat people well we will receive the same in return.  However my children’s experience of “meanness” “jealousies” “bad moods” and “pettiness” during their school days have taught them the core skills of how to handle these situations effectively so that they protect themselves and their self-esteem and general sense of well being.

Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Mother’s Day

First of all Happy Mothers day, as in Ireland we celebrate it this weekend.

The concept of mothering Sunday goes back to a different time when there were no automatic washing machines, freezers, microwaves etc.  However the whole idea of taking one day to truly acknowledge the work, efforts and commitment of mothers is as true now as it always was.

While there has been a lot of commericalisation of the day, the simple pleasures of a homemade card, breakfast in bed etc are not to be underestimated.  The emphasis has been on acknowledging our own mothers, our partner as mother, or other sisters,sisters-in law as mothers etc.

It’s a great idea to include children in making presents. Let Dad sits with kids and make something together. Maybe it is breakfast to bed? Or maybe a picture painted by the child and dad can help in writing something?

You can follow your own tradition from your own culture or you can create a new one just for your family. Remember that this day is not only about flowers, presents, breakfast in bed. Make sure that Mother gets the rest she deserves. Maybe surprise her with spa day, or lunch with her girlfriends, or maybe she wants to stay at home on the couch while Dad is taking kids away for some time?

How do you celebrate Mother’s Day?

 

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

Equally important is to take time to acknowledge ourselves as mother

Decision time

In various conversations that I have experienced over the past week, I have been very aware of people who are making decisions without thinking through the consequences and at the opposite end of the spectrum people who are seriously procrastinating and really avoiding making a decision at all, at all. On more than one occasion I have found myself saying:
“Nobody sets out to make a bad decision”
The first time I came across this statement, I found it very powerful. We all make decisions each day. They can vary from the mundane “what clothes will I wear?” or “Will I eat that second helping of dessert?” to considerably more serious such as “Will I take this job offer?” “Will I leave my partner?”
The reality of decision making for many people is that we make decisions based on the best information that we have at the time. It may happen that the decision we make has negative consequences but we do not set out to experience those negative consequences.
What is important is that we actually understand the process by which we make decisions. I gather some information and then look for supporting evidence. I have a tendency to only focus on things that support my already half made decision. My husband generally looks for the opposing argument, which for big decisions can be really helpful. I find what is right, he seeks out what is wrong and generally we find the middle ground that suits us both. It works for us.
It is important to understand our own decision making processes and so my challenge to you this week is to consider you own decision making processes. I do believe that it is better to focus on the good decision processes rather than those that resulted in negative consequences. And so my challenge to you it to take time this week to consider the processes that you went through for some decisions that you have made in the past year that are turning out to be good decisions.
Did you make the decision alone or did you bounce your considerations off others? Did you only seek evidence to support your decision or did you seek out contrary arguments? How did you decide that you had enough information to make a decision?
And finally how do you want to use this knowledge to support good decision making in the future?

Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Mommy daj hand

My children are blessed as they are being brought up with 3 languages. I’m Polish, my husband is German and we are living in Ireland. Our kids have the advantage of learning 3 languages naturally. Plus when they go to school they may learn 2 more.

Due to today’s economy and easy access to living abroad many children have the benefits to be raised in a bilingual environment. Some (just like my kids) have the opportunity to be multilingual and speak at least 3 languages.

For us decision was easy. We are going to speak to our children in our native languages and speak to each other in English. I’ve done my research on the best methods/approach and found a great book by Xiao-lei Wang who was in the same position as us. She is a Chinese Professor married to a Swiss man living with 2 boys in USA. She understood the importance of passing on own language and culture onto your kids, but have seen many parents struggling.

Mrs. Wang realized that many parents are struggling because of lack of support for them, they choose language for their children and such decision is important yet difficult and mostly because teachers are lacking the knowledge in dealing with multilingual children (p.3-4 ‘Growing up with Three Languages. Birth to Eleven’)

Before I go into more details, bare in mind that Mrs. Wang wrote the book after ‘an 11-year observation of two children who were simultaneously exposed to three languages from birth’. (p.5 ‘Growing up with Three Languages. Birth to Eleven’)

OK, let’s take one issue at a time.

Lack of support for parents. ‘There has been no real political, economic, or educational commitment on the part of governments in most developed countries to support families (particularly immigrant families) in the maintenance of heritage languages’ (p.4 ‘Growing up with Three Languages. Birth to Eleven’). Sadly it is true as an immigrant I have no support in teaching my children my heritage language. Many parents find easy to teach their own heritage language if they are both from the same country as they would speak it naturally between themselves and children will pick it up. Raising multilingual children takes a lot of effort as you really need to pay attention to how you say things, eg: difference between High German taught at school and slang/regional German spoken in every day life. My husband speaks a combination of those two so our children will be able to communicate effectively in his native region of Germany.

Many immigrant parents would rely on teachers and childcare professionals for guidance and support. Unfortunately, a lot of parents are poorly or ill advised about the options parents have in their language choices. ‘Many parents frequently walk away with the impression that they must speak and read the language of their country of residence to their children to ensure their children’s academic success’. (p.4 ‘Growing up with Three Languages. Birth to Eleven’). It happened to me during a developmental check (Chloe was around 20 months) when a Public Health Nurse advised me that I should be ‘favour’ English over Polish and German as she may not be able to catch up when she goes to pre-school and hence she may fall back at school in future. Politely I declined that option, stating that science and research are pro multilingual as the bilingual brain can have better attention and task-switching capacities than the monolingual brain, thanks to its developed ability to inhibit one language while using another. My daughter is almost 26 months she speaks beautifully for her age group, she can understand and answer in all 3 languages as well distinguish the difference between all 3 of the, She knows which grandma speaks which language and what words she should use. She is mixing her languages still, for example: Mommy daj hand (give hand), Dada daj decke (Daddy give blanket), Chloe tu bed (Chloe sleeps in this bed), Hi Schatz (Hi Honey/Darling). Thanks to her myself and my husband learn our heritage language quite naturally.

Here is another interesting read about the advantage of being bilingual. ALERT: Please be aware that link contains a video by Eddie Izzard with an usage of an F-word.

Times are changing and parents who are raising their children in bilingual or multilingual environment should be aware that their children won’t fall behind in school, they most likely thrive in languages as they already have base of other languages in them.

For any parents who are thinking about it or struggling, or simply look for an online support, you may visit Multilingual Children’s Association.

Benefits of raising multilingual or bilingual children are vast and amazing however what no one tells is that it is s hard work which requires a discipline and consistency. Please remember that you make this decision and no friend, teacher, doctor can change your mind. Your friends may find it rude when they come over and you speak your native language to your children. As you are aware that the consistency is a key.  You can prompt your guests in advance that in order to maintain consistency with the languages spoken in your own household, you are speaking your native language to your children. Once their language skills are established we can advise our children that it is considered rude to speak a language to each other when no one else understands.  Your guests, friends do not have impact on how you are raising your children. You know the reasons as of why you decided to raise your children multilingual and you know the benefits in doing so.

What is your opinion on the subject?

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

 

I’ll just be a minute… We will do it later… I will buy it the next day

I’ll just be a minute… We will do it later… I will buy it the next day…

I have very strong feelings about making promises to children.   I believe that it is important that we keep our promises.  Perhaps, having a child who has the memory of an elephant and who always reminds me ‘later’ of the casual promises that I made early in the day, I have become very aware and sensitive to casual promises.

I am sure that most parents can picture the scene.  You are in the supermarket and your child wants sweets/chocolate etc., and you say something like “you can have some after dinner”.  You may forget, but will your child?

Equally you are busy and your child asks you if they can paint and you say “we will do it later” but you really mean, I am too busy and I hope that you will get distracted and forget all about this.

Or perhaps in order to get a few minutes peace you promise them a trip to the cinema, or the beach at the weekend if they are quiet for now.

So what is the child actually learning?

They are actually learning that there is no connection between what you say and what you do.

There are learning that the words that you use bear no relation to what they will actually experience later.

Over time this may reduce their trust in you.  As they get older their reliance on language increases, but their association in their head is that your language of promises does not match up with action.

So what can you do –

As the parents we can choose to be more mindful of how we are using language around our children.  When we make a promise of a treat or an activity we can make sure that we keep that promise.

In doing so we are teaching our children a very clear connection between language and action and those association build over time and can equally be translated to the whole are of discipline.

Now you may argue that these are not real promises but rather they are intended as distractions, to deflect the child away one set of actions towards something that fits with our immediate needs.  And yes distraction can be a very useful tool with small children.  However in making promises, no matter how casual we are associating specific elements of our language with  expected outcomes.  the greater the match between these two things the easier it will be to build trust.

However as young children are learning to make the connections between their experience of the world and the words that they hear then those connections are learned more effectively when the words and the experiences match.

Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.