I’m not a child any more – Can I have a cuddle?

One of the great joys and challenges of the early stages of teenagers is their tendency to shift from wanting to be treated as an adult to being treated as a child in a split second.

Here is just a small sample of what I mean from the past few days?

• We were out for lunch and my 12 year old was all dressed up and was treated as an adult by the staff. All was good until she noticed that the boys at the next table who seemed to be about the same age got straws with their drinks. – She immediately asked why didn’t I get a straw? We agreed that it was better to be treated as an adult 

 

• We got notification of her dance classes and over the space of an hour she shifted from wanting to do 4 classes, to none to 2, to not enjoying dance anymore and then asking me to tell her what she should do (I didn’t fall for that one). We agreed that she could take 48 hours make her mind up for herself and that will be it. 

 

• And then last night- I can’t sleep, can I come in with you? My response was do you need a cuddle? Yes. 

Like many parents before me, I can sometimes find it difficult to really hear where she is at and to respond to where she is emotionally. What I am learning is that the more that I am in the moment with her the greater my ability to pick up on her emotions and respond to her well and fully.
I know that the child in her is gradually becoming less and I will miss that, but I will equally embrace the young woman that she is becoming. Each stage of being a parent brings new joys and challenges.

What to Do My Children Fight

 

With children at home for the school holidays- many parents will be familiar with their children fighting, giving each other a hard time, shouting, and just getting generally frustrated with each other.

As the parents we can feel that our role becomes that of the referee. In this process we can very easily get into a response pattern that may actually not be serving us well – Let me explain…

We can as parents have a tendency to expect the older child to accommodate a younger one because ” the little one is not old enough to understand”

We can punish and withdraw treats if they don’t stop fighting but not actually teach them how to arrive at a resolution. And so the next time the same pattern is repeated.

We can tend to focus on their shouting/fighting because it is giving us a headache but not actually what is behind the row.

It is important to to remember that each of our children has their own unique personality and just because they are siblings is no guarantee that they will actually like each others company.

Equally they are different ages and their skills, abilities and needs will be very different. Most of us would find it strange if our 10 year old consistently played with an 8 year old at school and yet we can expect an 8 and 10 year old in a family to play with each other.

Young children are “ego-centric”. In other words they only see the world from their own perspective and and so they more accurately play alongside each other than with each other when they are very young. The process of engaging with each other is a gradual one and we may in fact be creating the situation for rows when we force that interaction.

In many families toys are for everybody and there may be an expectation that they will be shared always. I have found over the years that giving a child some toys that are theirs and which they are not required to share can be very useful. They provide the opportunity for the child to enjoy their own company with a much loved toy and also provide the opportunity to teach other children to show respect in a very concrete way.

So what are my preferred strategies for dealing with children fighting?

As far as possible I don’t get involved. As long as there is no hitting, or breaking of toys in temper i try to give them time to figure it out for themselves.

In situations where the tempers flare, or the frustration levels are getting too much, my priority is time out and breathe for just a few minutes to slow things down and then give each a chance to say what was happening from their point of view and then focus on finding a solution to the specifc problem – this is when I studiously avoid giving out to them for fighting

Older children are told to come and ask for time away from little ones quietly if they find the little one annoying them. This allows me to see the amount of time that is practical to ask them to play with smaller children.

Have friends over – if they are playing with their friends who are their own age and with their own interests there are less sibling issues.

Most of all I try to be mindful of what I focus on. What we focus on expands and so I try to focus on the behaviours that I want to see expanded with lots of encouragement and praise. so when they play well together they get lots of praise and encouragement.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

 

No More School for Summer

Today is my youngest child’s last day in primary school. As I write this she is excited, sad, happy, and probably a half a dozen other emotions as well.

As for me – I am feeling proud and old… I have spent 13 years going up and down to that school and I have no idea where the years have gone.

So today I do expect to get emotional, I do expect a few tears, I do expect to be distracted most of the day it is the end of an era.

As for my daughter – I have in the past days been given an insight into what is ahead of me. She and the other 3 girls in her class have organised Pizza in one house, then shopping (I’m the driver) then swimming and messing in a garden pool. She really will sort her social life and I just hope that I will be kept in the loop !

This is so different from her older brother -who at the same age only wanted sport and food at home.

So to any parent, reading this who has reached a milestone in their child’s life – take the time to appreciate it and acknowledge what you have achieved. As for me I am heading to the coffee shop for a large cappucino between school drop and pick up ..heaven!

Summer Plans

 

Each year just before my children finish school for the summer I take
some time to complete a little forward planning for the next school term.  My goal is to identify what I want them to take responsibility for in the coming academic year.

When they were little these included things such as

1)      Being able to put on their own shoes and tie their laces

2)      For my daughter to be able to do her own hair

3)      Make a sandwich

4)      Organise their clothes for sports

Then over the school holidays I would create a plan so that these skills had been mastered by the end of August.   I have always found it easier to put the time in over the summer so that they had the skills mastered by the end of the summer.

As they have gotten older the goals have changed and they have got more involved in agreeing them with me.

And so by the end of this summer my 17 year old will have learned to drive in both the city and on country roads.  My daughter who is 12 will learn to cook 5 main meals well.   My goal is that she can get the dinner prepared if I am running late once she is back at school.

My other big goal is for her to learn to figure out how long tasks take in advance so that she can begin the process of learning to plan how long things take.  So I will need to take time each breakfast to make her plan for the day and discuss with her how she is going to achieve her goals for the day.   Given her propensity to get distracted and end up playing the piano this will bring its challenges for me but I am determined that this will be a gentle process and the responsibility will be on me to keep it that way.

The other challenge that I will face in September is that both my children will need to be ready to leave at the same time which will impact on practicalities such as showers, breakfast, lunch making etc., so I need to plan how this will be achieved without rows so that ours days start calm and positive.

I am very aware that many parents have things that happen with their children that irritate and annoy them on a day to day basis.  I have heard parents say, hopefully things will be better next year, he’ll be older and he will be better able to do things.   My view on this is “not necessarily”.  If we want to change how long it takes to get ready in the mornings, or get our child to do things for themselves we can reap great rewards when we create a focused and relaxed plan to give our children the skills.   If we want them to talk to us more and tell us what is going on in their heads we need to give them the time to talk to us.  If we want them to take their heads out of the technologies we need to engage in activities with them.

School holidays gives us more time to make this happen.  so what do you plan to do with your children over the summer to make your next school year less stressful?  What skills do you want your children to master?

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coachwww.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

 

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all Dads out there.

We all remember Mother’s Day and celebrate it hugely with flowers, cards and presents. Well mothers gave us life yet we do not put the same value when it comes to celebrate Dads. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them and Dads taught us how to play soccer, how to put a nail in the wall etc.

Howewer Dad is someone who is so special and important in a child’s life. Father gives us a security that no one can harm us, that we can reach for stars.

For a little girl he is the Perfect Man, telling you that ‘You are his princess, smart, beautiful, talented’. That affirmation will stay in a young girl leading to more confident woman.

For a little boy Dad is a Super Hero, he can kick that ball so far and fast, he can fix things, he knows how to resolve a computer issue. A boy will try to be like his Dad and he will always look up to him and value his opinion.

I look at my husband who has so much patience and love for our kids. Our daughter hear how beautiful and smart she is, our son hears praise about his new developmental skills and they always hear assurance that we are here for them and they can achieve whatever they want.

Take a look today and appreciate all Dads and Granddads in your life. Even though they don’t say it out loud they want to feel and be treated special as well.

Happy Father’s Day to all wonderful guys out there. You are fantastic.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

Link

I was speaking with a secondary school teacher recently and she commented that more and more youngsters struggle with really getting to grips with the relationship between work and results.

In her experience this was more likely with bright youngsters who had not had to work particularly hard in the early stages of their school life. – learning had just come naturally without a huge level of effort.  As a result as the demands of secondary education rose they  did not really make the connection between their effort and commitment and the results.

As I looked at my own children  I began to consider whether or not I am actually teaching that connection.   My little girl recently did  a drama exam and with minimal effort did well so that was not a good start…

As I talked with her about it she even commented that she had not done much work but was surprised that she had done well.

This contrasts with the daily practice that she puts in each day on the piano. But here this is related to her love of music rather than results in exams.

And so I have tied to put together the actual daily actions that I take  to teach this relationship to my children.  I have come to realise that it is totally caught up in the language that I use.

1) Each day they are praised for the effort or work that they put in  When they do their household task my focus in praising them is on their efforts rather than the results per se

2) They both have activities where practice and regular effort is required whether it is music or sport

3) When they have school tests/competitions the work they have done in advance is acknowledged as they are wished good luck.

4) They are probably tired of hearing me quote Tiger Woods  – the more I practice the luckier I get

5) Other favourite phrases include:  if you have done the work there is no reason to be anxious/nervous;  if you give it your best shot thee results will take care of themselves;  Try you best etc

6) When they talk of goals and plans I highlight the work that will be needed to achieve those goals and I try to support them to identify just how they will be able to apply the effort needed

In essence the process of teaching our children the relationship between effort and results starts when they are very small and is grounded in the language that we use in our day-to-day interactions.  We as the parents make the choice whether we focus on the work/effort or the outcomes.

Mary Corbett is co-founder of the parenting club, author, and a life and business coach.  You can find her on http://www.marycorbettcoaching.com;

 

What do you do during waiting time?

As parents we get our first significant introduction to the world of waiting when we initially go to visit our obstetrician. If he/she has a delivery we have to wait until they come back and so appointments can take minutes or hours.

When our bundle of joy arrives we wait for them to feed, to poop and especially to fall asleep so that we can remember what it is like to be a grown up again.

As our children grow the nature of our waiting changes—- We wait to collect them from school, we wait for them to finish swimming class, drama class, music class, and all the other activities that we bring them to as we endeavour to be the best parents that we can be and give them as many opportunities as we possibly can.

In some cases we need to drop them and just wait around until they are finished which may be anything from 20 minutes to over and hour. As busy parents this is very valuable time and it is really useful to be aware of how we use this time so that we avoid a build up of frustration around waiting.

Here are some strategies that I have used myself or seen others use and each in their own way have meant that the parents have used the time with purpose and have learned to treat waiting time as a gift.

1)      One mum finished work at 2:00 but didn’t have enough time to really do anything before collecting her child from school at 3:00. So each day she would head to the school straight from work and lose herself in a book for 45-50 minutes. She was delighted to have reading time.

2)      I managed to have my daughter’s ballet class in the centre of the city and used the hour to indulge my love of window shopping each week totally guilt free.

3)      A number of mums would drop their sons for a warm up 30 minutes before a match and do circuits of the pitch before matches started.

4)      For years I have done my weekly shopping during my son’s rugby training (with time to spare).

5)      At my children’s primary school there are a number of mums who meet up about 10 minutes before school is out for a quick chat and give and receive support from each other.

Most importantly I have known some parents to take the time waiting to just do nothing other than breathe.

As parents waiting for our children, we need to be mindful of our own frustrations. Our children pick up on these frustrations at an emotional level and may avoid the activities in order to avoid seeing us frustrated. When we make the process positive for ourselves our children equally pick up on that too.

 

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coachwww.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

Mom, Where are my football socks?

“Mom, where are my football socks?”

This is what greeted me this morning, with two minutes to go before we left for school. It is a question with which many parents are familiar.   From my daughter’s perspective, I was somehow meant to magically know the answer and solve.

I had a number of possible responses, and here are the ones that raced through my head as she came running down the stairs to me;

“I don’t know” (painfully pedantic response to the question asked and accurate)

“I’ll look for them for you” (the jump in and fix the problem I can sort these things quicker myself)

“Who is responsible for your socks?” (emotionally loaded why are you asking me it is your responsibility)

“What do you mean you didn’t get them sorted last night – how many times do I have to tell you to get ready the night before? (the getting mad option while pointing out the painfully obvious)

The response I gave was a painfully calm “I haven’t seen them”

My daughter who is 12 responded with “I know I should have got them last night, I’m sorry but will you check Luke’s (her brother) room in case they got mixed up”

We did not find her socks and she has to wear non-club socks for her match this evening.

The dynamics of the conversation with my daughter and the potential for her to learn through the process was rich in possibilities. I had lots of choices that I could make as a parent but as my children have gotten older I have learned that they learn more when I stay calm and let them recognise for themselves what needs to happen.

As we drove to school without the socks, I asked her if she understood why I was cross (if very quiet). She did and she knows that I will not jump in and sort the problem when it is something that she is quite capable of looking after for herself.

Having said that, did I come home and wonder where those socks were and give serious consideration to tearing the house apart to find them? Yes, but I didn’t instead I made a cup of tea and got down to work. I know that not jumping in is best in the long term for my daughter and so I just let if be.

As parents we all need to be mindful of the longer term impact of our actions and the potential to be still looking for their socks when they are in the 20’s!

 

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

 

 

A life plan

Remember as kids we were dreaming to be just like our parents?!
Remember growing up and thinking that’s not the life I want to have?
Remember parents telling you what path to choose, which college degree to go for, to follow the PLAN?

We all heard of the plan. Some of us more then others, however we all have been told (at one point in our lives) what should we do with our life.

The Plan consists of graduating high school, choosing good college, getting a good degree (which helps us to get a good job, like being a lawyer, a doctor or an accountant etc), then marry, get a job, buy a house, have children and go to the same type of the job for the rest of our lives.

What happens when we don’t follow the plan?

Take me for example, I graduated University with my MA in English, my dream was to become a translator. I wanted to translate books, I could imagine myself sitting in front of the computer, with lots of dictionaries and just read and translate. The problem came up when I applied for a job after my graduation. I’ve heard I have no experience, but when I was in college I couldn’t get a job because I didn’t have my degree yet. So it was a bit of a close circle. So very quickly I decided that there is no point chasing the job which may not happen at all. I’ve decided to go to Ireland to be an Au-pair for few months (once again). I wanted to get away and clear my head and decide what should I do. Because of the host family situation I was encouraged to seek other form of employment. I ended up in a call-centre, started at the very bottom and work my way up to being a supervisor and a trainer. In the meantime I got my Post-Grad management diploma. Got married and when everyone in my family thought I am back on track with my plan. We decided to move to Malta. We had dream of starting our own business in a nice warm place. Some of our friends were supportive, however most of them thought that we were crazy. After 2 years we came back to Ireland with our first born, started our second business and completing our dreams and longings.

There is no person in our family who would actually understand why we decided to follow our dreams rather then the plan. We both saw our parents working so their children have better life, no having a life of their own and making a lot of sacrifices for their own offspring. Putting their dreams aside because you need to pay of mortgage and go on family vacation.

Don’t get me wrong if there is someone who is happy to follow the plan and put aside their dreams it is fine by me, However I believe people like us who don’t follow the plan should be encouraged to follow their dreams.

I’ve learned that we have our struggles, but working on something together, creating a business together, make our bond even stronger and because of that we have much more time for our kids and our children have happy, fulfilled parents. We are raising happy, positive children so one day they decide to chose direction which is good for them and not feeling pressured about following the plan. They way I see it, it is their lives and they need to experience the life to its fullest and as parents we can’t force them what to do and which direction to follow.

 

What is your opinion on the subject? Would you want your child to follow the PLAN?

 

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

 

 

I just want 10 minutes to myself – let your children do some household tasks

There is no denying that us parents are busy people.  There never seems to be an end to our parental to-do  list.  This can in part be brought about by the fact that we consider it quicker to do things ourselves rather than leave them to our children to do.

And yet  even from a very young age our children are quite capable of helping.   However it can indeed be challenging to take the time to show them how to do household tasks so that in the longer term we reduce our own workload

As important however is that by giving them responsibility and tasks from an early age we help them to develop a good work ethic and learn that creating a pleasant physical home environment is everybody’s responsibility.

Looking back on my own upbringing as the youngest of six children, I now realise that my mother was an excellent manager and she had the great ability to delegate work to us.

I have chosen to delegate less but I am quite aware that I give my children many tasks that my peers are surprised by.  Here are some of the tasks that I have delegated over the years with the approximate age at which I started.   My starting point was to try and see if my child was anywhere close to being able and if they were to give them just enough help until they had it mastered.

Then I stopped doing the tasks.  And yes that is the harder bit as my children do take longer to do the tasks than it would take me but

Age 2 -3

• Tidy toys away (with me when tired)

• Put their own clothes back in drawers (again with me)

• move their dinner plates to the counter

• hand plates to me to put in dishwasher (yes they were the breakable variety)

• Put clothes for washing in their own laundry basket in their room

• Find pairs for their own socks on floor while I iron

• Take cutlery from dishwasher to drawer

• Hold dustpan for me to take up dirt

• Put laundry basket out on landing as soon as full

Age 4 -6

• Wipe down table to floor (then we swept floor together)

• Set the table (I had however left everything on the table for them)

• Put dishes into and out of dishwasher  (had to change where plates were stored so they could put them away )

• Plant seeds

• Weed

• Pick lettuce leaves

• Make rice-krispie buns

• start weighing food for baking

• peel carrots and cut cucumber

Ages 6-12

• Empty kitchen compost

• Bring own laundry basket down to washing machine when full (being short of underpants just once meant that they learned to do it quicker and not get caught out)

• Tidy up after dinner (excluding saucepans and cleaning cooker)

• Keep their bedroom clean and tidy  (about ones every 6-8 weeks i did a mega clean with them and do all the high stuff)

• Put all their clothes away

• help with weeding in garden

• make sure that they had all their gear ready in the morning of extra-curricular activities later in the day (I never searched for gumshields, or football boots)

• Tidy up after friends visited

• help prepare meals with me (including peeling potatoes and chopping veg)

Age 12-17

• Each children learned a number of basic meals that they can cook if I am not home

• Bring in fuel for open fire and light it  (sports injuries remind me of just how much time this one saves me)

• Each child is responsible for own washing (shown how to do a mixed load with a colour catcher)  I still do school uniforms on a Friday evening and if they ask me to do a favourite item .  Ironing is still a bit of a challenge as is hanging out the clothes after they are washed.

• Each child wakes themselves up in the morning  (has worked with one but not the other but I just do one call).

• They are responsible for ensuring that their grades hold regardless of other activities.

• They ensure that they keep me up to date with when they need to get lifts and always checked over breakfast.  If they don’t tell me I do not need to do it and they have to figure things out for themselves.

• Cut the grass

We as the parents hold the key as to how much involvement our children have in household tasks.  My own experience is that they thrive on responsibility and praise and encouragement goes a long way to balancing out the workload in the family.  It has the added benefit of leaving more time to talk and engage with our children because the workload is shared.

 

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.