What to Do My Children Fight

 

With children at home for the school holidays- many parents will be familiar with their children fighting, giving each other a hard time, shouting, and just getting generally frustrated with each other.

As the parents we can feel that our role becomes that of the referee. In this process we can very easily get into a response pattern that may actually not be serving us well – Let me explain…

We can as parents have a tendency to expect the older child to accommodate a younger one because ” the little one is not old enough to understand”

We can punish and withdraw treats if they don’t stop fighting but not actually teach them how to arrive at a resolution. And so the next time the same pattern is repeated.

We can tend to focus on their shouting/fighting because it is giving us a headache but not actually what is behind the row.

It is important to to remember that each of our children has their own unique personality and just because they are siblings is no guarantee that they will actually like each others company.

Equally they are different ages and their skills, abilities and needs will be very different. Most of us would find it strange if our 10 year old consistently played with an 8 year old at school and yet we can expect an 8 and 10 year old in a family to play with each other.

Young children are “ego-centric”. In other words they only see the world from their own perspective and and so they more accurately play alongside each other than with each other when they are very young. The process of engaging with each other is a gradual one and we may in fact be creating the situation for rows when we force that interaction.

In many families toys are for everybody and there may be an expectation that they will be shared always. I have found over the years that giving a child some toys that are theirs and which they are not required to share can be very useful. They provide the opportunity for the child to enjoy their own company with a much loved toy and also provide the opportunity to teach other children to show respect in a very concrete way.

So what are my preferred strategies for dealing with children fighting?

As far as possible I don’t get involved. As long as there is no hitting, or breaking of toys in temper i try to give them time to figure it out for themselves.

In situations where the tempers flare, or the frustration levels are getting too much, my priority is time out and breathe for just a few minutes to slow things down and then give each a chance to say what was happening from their point of view and then focus on finding a solution to the specifc problem – this is when I studiously avoid giving out to them for fighting

Older children are told to come and ask for time away from little ones quietly if they find the little one annoying them. This allows me to see the amount of time that is practical to ask them to play with smaller children.

Have friends over – if they are playing with their friends who are their own age and with their own interests there are less sibling issues.

Most of all I try to be mindful of what I focus on. What we focus on expands and so I try to focus on the behaviours that I want to see expanded with lots of encouragement and praise. so when they play well together they get lots of praise and encouragement.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.