According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary a word is a sound or combination of sounds that has a meaning and is spoken or written. According to Wikipedia a word is the smallest element that can be uttered in isolation with semantic or pragmatic content.
So why such a small thing rule our lives?
If you actually think about that we are surrounded by words, sounds, speech.We cannot and what’s more important we do not want to avoid it. When a child is born we can’t wait until she starts speaking properly (using words we can understand) so we (think) can communicate with our child better. However take a look at your newborn, she can perfectly communicate her needs. A 6 month-old infant can communicate with the environment by using combination of sounds and gestures. By looking at our infants we can realise that words are not needed for an effective communication.
As a young parent we all make a promise to ourselves that we will be positive, that we never raise voice on our children, that we never hit them. Most of the time we are able to keep our promise of not hitting children, but the rest of the promise…well that’s a different story. I’m not saying here about raising voice to alert the child in order to protect them (like stopping them running into the busy street, putting their little curious hands into hot oven etc). I’m talking about screaming at them because they disobey us.
Children do test boundaries. I remember my daughter, she was about 1 back then, she was always standing by the fireplace guard (there was no fire), but she wasn’t allow to play with the fireguard. She was constantly going there and was trying to remove it.There were our options:
1. Say firm NO.
2. Remove her from the place and distract her.
3. Say NO and have a stare contest.
We found out that the more we would raise our voice the less of a response we are getting from her. Believe it or not the only thing which worked was the door number 3. Until this day (she is 26 months now) giving her ‘the stare’ works like a charm.
Yes, all children are different and different methods need to be used.
I’ve noticed that not only the tone or loudness of the voice matters. What matters the most is the actually words we are saying. If we say to our child ‘You are stupid’, ‘you are a moron’,’ you are fat’,’ you are useless’, ‘you never be anybody’ this is imprinting into their minds and those words last forever. It takes such a long time and so much effort to get rid of those negative labels adults put on a child. The child will go into the world already defeated and with a low self-esteem.
We can loose our cool and say something hurtful to our children, it does happen. We are tired and we snap. If this is a single occurrence apologize to your child, say you did not mean what you said, because you were tired, you had a bad day and promise it will never repeat. Stick to your promise.
However if you, on regular basis, use words to belittle them (such as moron, stupid, failure etc) you are verbally abusing your child. Nobody wants to hear that as you may think they won’t remember. Children do remember and they do understand what you are saying.
There is an easy solution to use the words wisely and for everyone’s benefit.
Instead of saying ‘You are stupid’ say ‘What you did wasn’t very good’
‘You are a moron’ replace with ‘Explain to me why did you (hit this boy, break that car etc)’
If you are not sure what to say or how to replace what you want to say. Remember the simple rule.
‘Focus on the behaviour, not on the person’
Remember that kids want to please us, and we can a long way with praise.
Frederick Douglass said
‘It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men’.
When we use positive language in our every day life, to our partners, friends, and our children. Our children will grow up believing in themselves, being positive, happy and successful people.
Note: The photo contains phrase: ‘Words have power. Use them wisely’.
Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.
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