This is the time of year when many 18 and 19 year olds decide what courses they want to take in college and fully get to grips with the work that is needed to achieve the results that will allow them to take those courses. At the same time many parents sit on the side-line anxious that their young adult makes the right decision that will lead to a happy university experience and subsequent gainful employment.
In selecting a course for college there are many unknowns and there are no guarantees. There is no certainty that they will love the course that they select or that the long term result will be a happy work-life.
So what do we know as parents?
· We know that nobody sets out to make a bad decision.
· We know that when we like and are interested in a subject we generally will work harder at it.
· We know that when we are motivated from within that we can sustain that motivation over time.
· We know that just because we are capable of doing something does not translate to our actually wanting to do it.
The same is true for our children.
· Just because they have the capability does not translate to their wanting to take a particular course.
· The sheer volume of courses available can be overwhelming.
· If they struggle to make decisions in small things, they are more likely to struggle with bigger decision like selecting a college course.
· They may not fully appreciate the connection between their dream college course and the work that is needed to get there.
In the meantime we as parents may sit and stress, and worry about what will happen to our child as they move into this adult world. I have had various conversations with teenagers, parents and young adults and the following are the messages that have come through loud and clear.
The young adult must make the decision
Where parents insist on a particular course the downstream effects can be very negative I am currently working with a client who is changing career direction after years of stress and negativity towards their parents because they were pushed into a course. This is not the first time and I doubt that it will be the last
It can take real courage as a parent to support your child to follow their dream
Our children’s dreams can be very different from ours, their interests can be very different from ours. I am reminded of a dedication from a young Fine arts graduate, Rebecca on her thesis “thank you to my parents for allowing me to practice who I am”
Change is always possible
The world we live in is constantly changing and so our children’s ability to change direction and move with change can be truly positive. Their education, is never a waste.
What you focus on will expand
As parents, we want our children to put the work in, so that they can achieve their goals. If we focus and encourage the study as it is done then this is what will expand. If, in our conversations we focus on time wasting, lack of effort etc then this is what will expand.
Stay calm
All these young adults have dreams and anxieties about what their future will bring. These anxieties can find expression in many ways not all of which are pleasant. And so in so far as it is practicable. They will benefit from feeding from our strength, and calmness
Stay Listening
We really benefit from keeping our eyes and ears open and recognising if they are not sleeping, eating, getting over anxious, Although they see themselves as adults they still benefit from us adopting the parenting role if things are going a little pear shaped.
And finally as parents our job is nearly done – our young fledgling adults will find their place in the world.
Thank you for reading.
Mary Corbett is the co-founder of Parenting Club, professional coach and psychologist based in Cork, Ireland
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