I’m not a child any more – Can I have a cuddle?

One of the great joys and challenges of the early stages of teenagers is their tendency to shift from wanting to be treated as an adult to being treated as a child in a split second.

Here is just a small sample of what I mean from the past few days?

• We were out for lunch and my 12 year old was all dressed up and was treated as an adult by the staff. All was good until she noticed that the boys at the next table who seemed to be about the same age got straws with their drinks. – She immediately asked why didn’t I get a straw? We agreed that it was better to be treated as an adult 

 

• We got notification of her dance classes and over the space of an hour she shifted from wanting to do 4 classes, to none to 2, to not enjoying dance anymore and then asking me to tell her what she should do (I didn’t fall for that one). We agreed that she could take 48 hours make her mind up for herself and that will be it. 

 

• And then last night- I can’t sleep, can I come in with you? My response was do you need a cuddle? Yes. 

Like many parents before me, I can sometimes find it difficult to really hear where she is at and to respond to where she is emotionally. What I am learning is that the more that I am in the moment with her the greater my ability to pick up on her emotions and respond to her well and fully.
I know that the child in her is gradually becoming less and I will miss that, but I will equally embrace the young woman that she is becoming. Each stage of being a parent brings new joys and challenges.

What to Do My Children Fight

 

With children at home for the school holidays- many parents will be familiar with their children fighting, giving each other a hard time, shouting, and just getting generally frustrated with each other.

As the parents we can feel that our role becomes that of the referee. In this process we can very easily get into a response pattern that may actually not be serving us well – Let me explain…

We can as parents have a tendency to expect the older child to accommodate a younger one because ” the little one is not old enough to understand”

We can punish and withdraw treats if they don’t stop fighting but not actually teach them how to arrive at a resolution. And so the next time the same pattern is repeated.

We can tend to focus on their shouting/fighting because it is giving us a headache but not actually what is behind the row.

It is important to to remember that each of our children has their own unique personality and just because they are siblings is no guarantee that they will actually like each others company.

Equally they are different ages and their skills, abilities and needs will be very different. Most of us would find it strange if our 10 year old consistently played with an 8 year old at school and yet we can expect an 8 and 10 year old in a family to play with each other.

Young children are “ego-centric”. In other words they only see the world from their own perspective and and so they more accurately play alongside each other than with each other when they are very young. The process of engaging with each other is a gradual one and we may in fact be creating the situation for rows when we force that interaction.

In many families toys are for everybody and there may be an expectation that they will be shared always. I have found over the years that giving a child some toys that are theirs and which they are not required to share can be very useful. They provide the opportunity for the child to enjoy their own company with a much loved toy and also provide the opportunity to teach other children to show respect in a very concrete way.

So what are my preferred strategies for dealing with children fighting?

As far as possible I don’t get involved. As long as there is no hitting, or breaking of toys in temper i try to give them time to figure it out for themselves.

In situations where the tempers flare, or the frustration levels are getting too much, my priority is time out and breathe for just a few minutes to slow things down and then give each a chance to say what was happening from their point of view and then focus on finding a solution to the specifc problem – this is when I studiously avoid giving out to them for fighting

Older children are told to come and ask for time away from little ones quietly if they find the little one annoying them. This allows me to see the amount of time that is practical to ask them to play with smaller children.

Have friends over – if they are playing with their friends who are their own age and with their own interests there are less sibling issues.

Most of all I try to be mindful of what I focus on. What we focus on expands and so I try to focus on the behaviours that I want to see expanded with lots of encouragement and praise. so when they play well together they get lots of praise and encouragement.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

 

No More School for Summer

Today is my youngest child’s last day in primary school. As I write this she is excited, sad, happy, and probably a half a dozen other emotions as well.

As for me – I am feeling proud and old… I have spent 13 years going up and down to that school and I have no idea where the years have gone.

So today I do expect to get emotional, I do expect a few tears, I do expect to be distracted most of the day it is the end of an era.

As for my daughter – I have in the past days been given an insight into what is ahead of me. She and the other 3 girls in her class have organised Pizza in one house, then shopping (I’m the driver) then swimming and messing in a garden pool. She really will sort her social life and I just hope that I will be kept in the loop !

This is so different from her older brother -who at the same age only wanted sport and food at home.

So to any parent, reading this who has reached a milestone in their child’s life – take the time to appreciate it and acknowledge what you have achieved. As for me I am heading to the coffee shop for a large cappucino between school drop and pick up ..heaven!

School Uniforms now or in August?

As we reach the final few days of this school year the ads are already in place to encourage us parents to buy our uniforms for next year.

Personally I will be ignoring them, even though part of me knows that this would assist me in being very organised and would spread the return to school costs.

When my children were just starting school, I  thought that buying in July was just too early as the time between the begining of July and their first day was too long.   Yes it was just 8 weeks but 8 weeks is a very long time when you are just 4 years old.  I felt that it was important to plan for starting school on my child’s terms and timeline not mine.

What I felt was that if I bought too early what I was actually doing was building up the hype – Yes it was a key moment in my child’s life but my approach with them was to be “matter of fact” and confident with them that this was just then next step that they were well able for.

In shortening the time between the uniform buying and returning to school I shortened the time when they built up ideas in their head which the might or might not share with me.  As they moved through the school it became more about their ideas and expectations of new teachers and the stories that they ad heard from older students.

And so I picked the second week of August as my uniform buying week.  Over the years this has remained and as my children have both had at various times summer spurts of growth, I have always felt that this was a good decision for me.

In fact not only uniforms, but any books, stationery etc were also bought this week .  It gave me the third and fourth weeks to deal with any missing bits and pieces.

It also served as a gentle reminder too my children that it was time to pack in as much fun as possible for the final few weeks and if there was anything that we had planned to do that had not happened to get it organised.

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Mary Corbett is a founder member of  Parenting Club,  author, life and business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com and mother of 2 busy children aged 12 and 17.

Summer Plans

 

Each year just before my children finish school for the summer I take
some time to complete a little forward planning for the next school term.  My goal is to identify what I want them to take responsibility for in the coming academic year.

When they were little these included things such as

1)      Being able to put on their own shoes and tie their laces

2)      For my daughter to be able to do her own hair

3)      Make a sandwich

4)      Organise their clothes for sports

Then over the school holidays I would create a plan so that these skills had been mastered by the end of August.   I have always found it easier to put the time in over the summer so that they had the skills mastered by the end of the summer.

As they have gotten older the goals have changed and they have got more involved in agreeing them with me.

And so by the end of this summer my 17 year old will have learned to drive in both the city and on country roads.  My daughter who is 12 will learn to cook 5 main meals well.   My goal is that she can get the dinner prepared if I am running late once she is back at school.

My other big goal is for her to learn to figure out how long tasks take in advance so that she can begin the process of learning to plan how long things take.  So I will need to take time each breakfast to make her plan for the day and discuss with her how she is going to achieve her goals for the day.   Given her propensity to get distracted and end up playing the piano this will bring its challenges for me but I am determined that this will be a gentle process and the responsibility will be on me to keep it that way.

The other challenge that I will face in September is that both my children will need to be ready to leave at the same time which will impact on practicalities such as showers, breakfast, lunch making etc., so I need to plan how this will be achieved without rows so that ours days start calm and positive.

I am very aware that many parents have things that happen with their children that irritate and annoy them on a day to day basis.  I have heard parents say, hopefully things will be better next year, he’ll be older and he will be better able to do things.   My view on this is “not necessarily”.  If we want to change how long it takes to get ready in the mornings, or get our child to do things for themselves we can reap great rewards when we create a focused and relaxed plan to give our children the skills.   If we want them to talk to us more and tell us what is going on in their heads we need to give them the time to talk to us.  If we want them to take their heads out of the technologies we need to engage in activities with them.

School holidays gives us more time to make this happen.  so what do you plan to do with your children over the summer to make your next school year less stressful?  What skills do you want your children to master?

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coachwww.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

 

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all Dads out there.

We all remember Mother’s Day and celebrate it hugely with flowers, cards and presents. Well mothers gave us life yet we do not put the same value when it comes to celebrate Dads. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them and Dads taught us how to play soccer, how to put a nail in the wall etc.

Howewer Dad is someone who is so special and important in a child’s life. Father gives us a security that no one can harm us, that we can reach for stars.

For a little girl he is the Perfect Man, telling you that ‘You are his princess, smart, beautiful, talented’. That affirmation will stay in a young girl leading to more confident woman.

For a little boy Dad is a Super Hero, he can kick that ball so far and fast, he can fix things, he knows how to resolve a computer issue. A boy will try to be like his Dad and he will always look up to him and value his opinion.

I look at my husband who has so much patience and love for our kids. Our daughter hear how beautiful and smart she is, our son hears praise about his new developmental skills and they always hear assurance that we are here for them and they can achieve whatever they want.

Take a look today and appreciate all Dads and Granddads in your life. Even though they don’t say it out loud they want to feel and be treated special as well.

Happy Father’s Day to all wonderful guys out there. You are fantastic.

Aga Schnier is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mother and Law of Attraction Master Practitioner which she currently uses to promote positive parenting techniques.

Link

I was speaking with a secondary school teacher recently and she commented that more and more youngsters struggle with really getting to grips with the relationship between work and results.

In her experience this was more likely with bright youngsters who had not had to work particularly hard in the early stages of their school life. – learning had just come naturally without a huge level of effort.  As a result as the demands of secondary education rose they  did not really make the connection between their effort and commitment and the results.

As I looked at my own children  I began to consider whether or not I am actually teaching that connection.   My little girl recently did  a drama exam and with minimal effort did well so that was not a good start…

As I talked with her about it she even commented that she had not done much work but was surprised that she had done well.

This contrasts with the daily practice that she puts in each day on the piano. But here this is related to her love of music rather than results in exams.

And so I have tied to put together the actual daily actions that I take  to teach this relationship to my children.  I have come to realise that it is totally caught up in the language that I use.

1) Each day they are praised for the effort or work that they put in  When they do their household task my focus in praising them is on their efforts rather than the results per se

2) They both have activities where practice and regular effort is required whether it is music or sport

3) When they have school tests/competitions the work they have done in advance is acknowledged as they are wished good luck.

4) They are probably tired of hearing me quote Tiger Woods  – the more I practice the luckier I get

5) Other favourite phrases include:  if you have done the work there is no reason to be anxious/nervous;  if you give it your best shot thee results will take care of themselves;  Try you best etc

6) When they talk of goals and plans I highlight the work that will be needed to achieve those goals and I try to support them to identify just how they will be able to apply the effort needed

In essence the process of teaching our children the relationship between effort and results starts when they are very small and is grounded in the language that we use in our day-to-day interactions.  We as the parents make the choice whether we focus on the work/effort or the outcomes.

Mary Corbett is co-founder of the parenting club, author, and a life and business coach.  You can find her on http://www.marycorbettcoaching.com;

 

What do you do during waiting time?

As parents we get our first significant introduction to the world of waiting when we initially go to visit our obstetrician. If he/she has a delivery we have to wait until they come back and so appointments can take minutes or hours.

When our bundle of joy arrives we wait for them to feed, to poop and especially to fall asleep so that we can remember what it is like to be a grown up again.

As our children grow the nature of our waiting changes—- We wait to collect them from school, we wait for them to finish swimming class, drama class, music class, and all the other activities that we bring them to as we endeavour to be the best parents that we can be and give them as many opportunities as we possibly can.

In some cases we need to drop them and just wait around until they are finished which may be anything from 20 minutes to over and hour. As busy parents this is very valuable time and it is really useful to be aware of how we use this time so that we avoid a build up of frustration around waiting.

Here are some strategies that I have used myself or seen others use and each in their own way have meant that the parents have used the time with purpose and have learned to treat waiting time as a gift.

1)      One mum finished work at 2:00 but didn’t have enough time to really do anything before collecting her child from school at 3:00. So each day she would head to the school straight from work and lose herself in a book for 45-50 minutes. She was delighted to have reading time.

2)      I managed to have my daughter’s ballet class in the centre of the city and used the hour to indulge my love of window shopping each week totally guilt free.

3)      A number of mums would drop their sons for a warm up 30 minutes before a match and do circuits of the pitch before matches started.

4)      For years I have done my weekly shopping during my son’s rugby training (with time to spare).

5)      At my children’s primary school there are a number of mums who meet up about 10 minutes before school is out for a quick chat and give and receive support from each other.

Most importantly I have known some parents to take the time waiting to just do nothing other than breathe.

As parents waiting for our children, we need to be mindful of our own frustrations. Our children pick up on these frustrations at an emotional level and may avoid the activities in order to avoid seeing us frustrated. When we make the process positive for ourselves our children equally pick up on that too.

 

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coachwww.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people

My need to be mom; his need to be grown up?

I am writing this as the mum of a 17 year old and a 12 year old.  One of my goals as a parent has always been to encourage my children to do things for themselves and to develop their belief in themselves and their ability to achieve there goals through hard work and application.

As my son has gotten older, I had no fear when he asked to take buses or trains by himself, or when he selected the secondary school that he wished to attend.  Even when he started to drive, I was happy to let him sit behind the wheel. 

And then, he ended up in hospital a few days ago as a result of some stomach problems that he could not shake off and his doctor decided that we really needed to get to the bottom of things.  Suddenly I found myself wanting to take over, to take control of communications with doctors and nurses and be a very protective mum. 

As my son is 17 he is no longer regarded as a child in the hospital system but at the same time he is not treated as an adult either because he is not 18.   My son is very clear, he wants to be treated as an adult, he wants to have his conversations with the medics himself, he does not need me to hold his hand, or mollycoddle him in anyway and I don’t like it, i don’t like that while I still have the need to mother, his needs have changed.

Fortunately, we have been in the position to allow him to be seen privately and his surroundings are excellent.  Physically leaving him on his own is not the issue.   My lack of control is.   And so as I sit here in his room, awaiting his return from a procedure, I am finally having to acknowledge to myself that my taking over, and taking control of the communications with the medics would not serve my son well and would in fact undermine his belief and confidence in himself. 

As my son moves closer to adulthood  and deals as a young adult with his health, he can appreciate that we have paid good health insurance, and I need to learn to sit quietly and just let him get on with it.  My mothering roll has changed.  

  

Mom, Where are my football socks?

“Mom, where are my football socks?”

This is what greeted me this morning, with two minutes to go before we left for school. It is a question with which many parents are familiar.   From my daughter’s perspective, I was somehow meant to magically know the answer and solve.

I had a number of possible responses, and here are the ones that raced through my head as she came running down the stairs to me;

“I don’t know” (painfully pedantic response to the question asked and accurate)

“I’ll look for them for you” (the jump in and fix the problem I can sort these things quicker myself)

“Who is responsible for your socks?” (emotionally loaded why are you asking me it is your responsibility)

“What do you mean you didn’t get them sorted last night – how many times do I have to tell you to get ready the night before? (the getting mad option while pointing out the painfully obvious)

The response I gave was a painfully calm “I haven’t seen them”

My daughter who is 12 responded with “I know I should have got them last night, I’m sorry but will you check Luke’s (her brother) room in case they got mixed up”

We did not find her socks and she has to wear non-club socks for her match this evening.

The dynamics of the conversation with my daughter and the potential for her to learn through the process was rich in possibilities. I had lots of choices that I could make as a parent but as my children have gotten older I have learned that they learn more when I stay calm and let them recognise for themselves what needs to happen.

As we drove to school without the socks, I asked her if she understood why I was cross (if very quiet). She did and she knows that I will not jump in and sort the problem when it is something that she is quite capable of looking after for herself.

Having said that, did I come home and wonder where those socks were and give serious consideration to tearing the house apart to find them? Yes, but I didn’t instead I made a cup of tea and got down to work. I know that not jumping in is best in the long term for my daughter and so I just let if be.

As parents we all need to be mindful of the longer term impact of our actions and the potential to be still looking for their socks when they are in the 20’s!

 

Mary Corbett is a founder of ParentingClub2014, Mum of 2, and Life and Business coach www.marycorbettcoaching.com with a passionate belief in people